how the fuck am i supposed to react to that

today was ryen's birthday. in the car ride home renell tells me that the first guy she cheated on me with, oh so many years ago died. got shot. i remember seeing it on the news but i guess it didn't really hit me. i kinda figured she would have forgotten the name of the guy she was fucking by now. oh well. but seriously, how the fuck am i supposed to react to that. phillip getting shot, maybe i would care, dan? what do i give a shit? i mean don't get me wrong, it's not like i was a fan or anything but i was cursing her more than him. how the shit does somebody react to that though, "by the way, the guy i was fucking around on you with years ago, he died." what the shit? am i supposed to throw a fucking party? what do you want? a cookie? at the same time, it does dredge up memories that mean i'm going to go drink until i pass out now. i've got about four shots worth of rum in me and a fresh bottle whiskey. yay for alcohol poisoning. the sad irony is that there is still something there, love, i don't know. i need to stop thinking about it because it still hurts. pain might be how you know you're alive but this is just bullshit. the first cut is still the deepest. i hate people. yay for bushmills.