one more sleepless night

It's a little after three again, and I'm still awake. Not even sure why. I slept a little today which I suppose has something to do with it. but largely I guess things are just scrambling in my head again.

I want to say something pithy about loyalty, but nothing good is coming to my mind. I guess I'm just disappointed by the lack of loyalty, across the board, in nearly every facet of my life. Not that I should be surpised. It's been a recurring theme over the years.

It's been six months since the surgery. medically, I think I'm okay. It's also been six months since Renell left. In many ways I'm much better off, but I think mentally, I'm still off base. I'm still depressed....maybe that's not the right word. I'm still pained, I think is a better term. I guess because it wasn't a clean cut.

When you look at things through the bottom of a bottle of wine, you begin to wonder what you're looking for. I'm still at that point. What the hell am I looking for? What the hell is the point? There is no honor left.