Letter to Renell 3 Nov 2005

This, I think, I hope, is going to be a mixed letter,
but one that will provide closure for me. It’s hard
because I can’t get closure without hearing it from
you and I haven’t heard from you. It’s a stupid move
on my part because I know that reaching out to you is
not a smart thing to do. I know that it only sets me
up for pain and more abuse.

There will always be a part of me that loves you. For
no reason, There will always be a part of me that
hates you. With much reason. That conflict has waged
for 5 years already. It has torn at me since the first
time I knew you didn’t care about me. I’ve tried to
overcome it and I’ve failed. Granted, it’s a two way
street. I couldn’t have failed without your help and
ultimately the failure falls on both of us, but for
now, at this moment in time. I failed. I failed to
make you love me, to show you that I loved you. Since
the first infidelity I should have simply walked away.
It’s like pulling off a band-aid I suppose, and this
one has been waiting five years to come off. Part of
me still feels like its clinging on but I know better.
You’ve known better for a long time. It almost makes
me feel as though I was just being strung along. I
don’t know if that was your intent, it just feels like
it.

But I need your help now. I need your help to get
closure. At some point long ago, you accepted that we
can’t work together. I think I’ve gotten to that point
now. As long as you and Ryen were with me, problems
and all, despite all the arguments I had held out
hope. Because you wanted to be there. But now I
understand that you didn’t. Holding Rick’s keys in
from of me saying “I don’t want to move in with him”
was a lie to me. You did, or you wouldn’t have said
so. What you should have said was “I don’t want you.”
And you should have told me this long ago. Maybe you
did and I just didn’t hear it, but I’m willing to hear
it now. And that’s what I need from you. I need
closure. There will be a relationship between me and
Ryen, and we are tied by that, but there is not, and
there cannot be anything between us. We can’t remain
friends, it hurts far too much to know that at nearly
every turn you chose not me. Anything but me. That
pain will never go away and because of it, I need
closure from you. I need to know from you that we
can’t salvage a friendship, we can’t salvage a trust
over anything, except that we are tied together by
Ryen. If I pass you on the street, I need to know you
look on me as a stranger, If I pass you in a store, I
need to be able to look on you as nobody. I can’t
continue in the way that I have for six years. But I
can’t get that closure without your help. That’s what
I’m asking for now, so please, help me end this.