on apology

I listened to an interesting lecture recently that was about the power of apology. It made me realize that’s what I’ve been missing. That’s the closure I’ve been waiting for, for what is probably the last five or six years.

I’ve got a bunch of anger built up that, though I can control it, still eats away at my soul. The thing I’ve been missing is an apology. Not just an acknowledgement that there is, was a problem, but the recognition of harm. Not the acceptance that nothing can be done. Because that’s untrue. You can goddamn apologize, acknowledge the pain that you caused.

And I am by no means faultless here. I’m just as guilty of causing pain and of wanting to avoid the apology. I still am. I don’t know how to broach the subject. I don’t know how to apologize. And maybe it’s the same with her. Who knows? But I recognize now, that’s the missing piece that doesn’t let me walk away sane. That’s the part that’s keeping me from moving beyond the stage where all I do is harbor the guilt and anger. I would love to be able to dismiss it as she appears to have done. Whether or not she has, I don’t know in full honesty. It appears as though she has, but in truth, I don’t know.

I need to apologize, for harboring the pain and anger, for not pushing hard enough to get answers, for being to passive, for not showing the appreciation that I felt, when I did feel it. And at the same time, I need an apology. For the pain, for the waste of time, for the lack of caring, trying and communicating. Yet neither of us seems willing ot able to apologize. Or maybe she just feels as though she shouldn’t. or maybe she feels as though I should first. Then we would find ourselves in the same stalemate of waiting for the other person to make the first move.

It’s stupid that I’m up at 4:30 trying to think through this instead of sleeping.