Love, Hope and Desperation

It’s amazing how you can care for someone who frustrates you constantly. Maybe I ask too much. I believe so, but then, it’s not about what I believe, it’s about what others believe. Renell has collected a large sum of debt on a credit card that I had in both of our names. To be sure this was a stupid move on my part, to add her name to one of my credit cards, especially one with a limit over $200. Considerably over $200. Anyway, I don’t make any charges on the account, I don’t even use it, but I do receive the statements and remind her to make payments regularly. After the whole fiasco with her having my keys for nearly a week, Renell was supposed to drop by and give me money so I could make a payment on the account. I reminded her before she packed her stuff and left, I reminded her after she packed her stuff and left. She said she was coming tonight and nada.

I shouldn’t be surprised. We used to joke that she makes a better friend than she does girlfriend. It’s absolutely true. She just makes a shitty friend too. I again feel used. I guess what little faith I have in Renell to accomplish the tasks she says she’s going to do should be totally evaporated by now, but it isn’t. I think it’s more a matter of priority. I never was a priority to her. WE were never a priority for her. In that situation I should expect disappointment. Maybe the issue then is that I have too much faith in people.

I suppose in the end I just got desperate. I’ve known for a long time that this was a bad deal. I wasn’t happy. I was content. Renell wasn’t happy either. I can’t say if she was content or not. Either way I hope she is happy now. It’s desperation that makes me cling to the past, to the failure, to the hope. I need to learn to let go easier. There are so many areas in which I see the same traits and so many areas in which I abhor those traits. I’ll keep the same shirt for years, even if it has a hole. Not out of desperation but out of not letting go. Yet I’ll drop a software product immediately if it doesn’t do what I want. I’ll cling to an idea and no amount of contrary evidence or debate will sway me (for example from saying that Creationism should not be taught in schools as science even if Kansas says so). I need to learn to let things go. So, new plea today. I still need rest, so the previous one stands. The new one is this: Lord help me learn to accept loss, help me learn to know when it’s appropriate to let go and have the strength it takes to release my iron grip on something. That’s it. As I said before, I’m not a particularly religious person, but I consider myself spiritual, so if there’s a spirit out there willing to help, why not give it a shot. I have nothing else to do for two weeks anyway.