iPhone

So I lost my phone today. I blame lack of sleep but whatever. So I went to the Sprint retail store to get a new phone, but then I found out that I'm out of contract with Sprint so I did the unthinkable. I got an iPhone. Now this goes against every ingrained notion I have. First off, I usually get the phone that comes free with the plan. To pay for a phone is goddamn absurd to me. Second, it's an iPhone. The thought of buying a piece of tech and not giving money to Bill Gates sees just wrong...and then to give it to Steve Jobs instead. That's just sacrilege. But I've accepted it under some conditions.

So, here are the rules that go with my new iPhone.

1)You will, within 30 seconds of leaving the store, drop the entire fucking box in the koi pond at Ala Moana.

2)You will then, out of fear for your new phone, quickly rip it out of the box and pray that you didn't just piss away a $100

3)You will then thank the fucking gods for that little plastic strip and then drop the phone onto cement as you remove the plastic strip.

4)You will jailbreak this phone within 24 hours, not because AT&T is so horrible but just to say you jailbroke the phone.

5)You will install a VoIP app on the phone so that you can make cheap calls and fuck AT&T and their minutes.

6)You will NOT shit and text at the same time. You will NOT be that guy.

7) You will play Pocket God a lot. And at inappropriate times. Because they're no better time to feel like a wrathful, furious supreme being to a bunch of stupid natives than during 8 AM Monday morning team meetings.