Weakness and Sleeplessness and Nicotine and Alcohol
I have set ways of dealing with stress. Tricks I’ve learned. Like the counting to ten thing. Failing this I normally turn to self destructive behaviors. I’ve smoked more in the past 24 hours than I have in the past year. I’ve had more to drink in the past 24 hours than I have since the day before my surgery (see the earlier post). This is not my weakness; it is the habitual reaction to my weakness, which is her. I cannot say ‘no’ to her. It seems stupid, there are so many things to hate her for and no logical reason not to be able to say no. Except that being totally honest, there is still love there. I still care and it kills me to do so.
For a while I was better because 1) I thought she was okay and had reached closure. It turns out that this isn’t the case and 2) I had my return from surgery and the activities after it that kept me occupied enough not to have to think. I was busy enough not to think. These of course are not the case now. In the past three days my world of contentment, not yet happiness, but contentment, has been once again flipped upside down because I cannot say no.
She wants my help to get closure. I hadn’t reached there myself but my assumption that she had allowed me to make progress. To assume, they say, makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” That is certainly so in this case. I don’t know what she needs for closure or whether my participation in the past three days has aided it, but it’s killing me. Both figuratively in the emotional sense (hey, emotional, ah, I get it now, emo music, okay, well the shit still sucks but I get it) and in the literal sense as I plummet down the path of self destructive behavior: no sleep, coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, thinking.
I am headed to Kona for a week with the hope that distance, not time, will push me to a new sense of being. I leave Monday and will return after Christmas, in the meantime, I’ll still have email and internet access so I will continue to post and if I can’t for some reason, I’ll write at least and post when I get back.
The odd part of me that still loves her is also the part that dies to know that she can be happy with someone else. It’s the part that hurts when I realize that the open lines of communication that exist now, but did not exist before, are what we needed to make things work. This is craziness and it causes pain to not only herself and myself, but to those around us, including Ryen.
My weakness if my love for her and my fear is that I will not be able to overcome this weakness as I know I must. I have come to accept that the cycle of pain must be broken. I have come to accept that failure of us was due to fear, lack of communication and lack of trust and I have come to accept that we cannot be, yet because that love still exists, so does the weakness. I need a fucking drink.
For a while I was better because 1) I thought she was okay and had reached closure. It turns out that this isn’t the case and 2) I had my return from surgery and the activities after it that kept me occupied enough not to have to think. I was busy enough not to think. These of course are not the case now. In the past three days my world of contentment, not yet happiness, but contentment, has been once again flipped upside down because I cannot say no.
She wants my help to get closure. I hadn’t reached there myself but my assumption that she had allowed me to make progress. To assume, they say, makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” That is certainly so in this case. I don’t know what she needs for closure or whether my participation in the past three days has aided it, but it’s killing me. Both figuratively in the emotional sense (hey, emotional, ah, I get it now, emo music, okay, well the shit still sucks but I get it) and in the literal sense as I plummet down the path of self destructive behavior: no sleep, coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, thinking.
I am headed to Kona for a week with the hope that distance, not time, will push me to a new sense of being. I leave Monday and will return after Christmas, in the meantime, I’ll still have email and internet access so I will continue to post and if I can’t for some reason, I’ll write at least and post when I get back.
The odd part of me that still loves her is also the part that dies to know that she can be happy with someone else. It’s the part that hurts when I realize that the open lines of communication that exist now, but did not exist before, are what we needed to make things work. This is craziness and it causes pain to not only herself and myself, but to those around us, including Ryen.
My weakness if my love for her and my fear is that I will not be able to overcome this weakness as I know I must. I have come to accept that the cycle of pain must be broken. I have come to accept that failure of us was due to fear, lack of communication and lack of trust and I have come to accept that we cannot be, yet because that love still exists, so does the weakness. I need a fucking drink.
posted by rpalmeira | 4:52 AM
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