A Long Weekend
This was a long weekend. Thurs. I had a nice dinner with friends, I went home with enough food to last for the rest of the weekend, but I ended up not eating much of it until tonight (Sunday). Good food though. Turkey, ham, rice, potatoes, yams, fresh cranberry sauce, salad, sashimi, Kona crab, three types of pie and two types of ice cream for desert. I’m sure I’m forgetting something but can’t remember what else right now.
I didn’t get more than thirty minutes of sleep Thursday night. Trying to setup some data for the next couple of weeks and got a bit disturbed thinking of Renell again. Thankfully I’ve figured out how to remedy that. More in a bit. Friday I was at Kam by 6 for their Thanksgiving speech and debate tournament. They had me running prep again and doing random tasks in the mean time. I didn’t get home from that until about 11 so it was kind of a long day. I did get about an hour of sleep that night
Saturday I was back at Kam by about 6:30 in the morning same deal. The two day tournament is really a test of stamina more than anything else. Dickson County (from Tennessee) sent only 11 kids, each was triple entered and they beat out every other team there. Most of the kids ended up winning or in the top three of the categories they competed in and remember they each did three different events. Crazy. I got home from that around 10, had a late dinner did a bit of work on the laptop and got some sleep. I was supposed to have heard from Renell on Sat. so she could pick up the last of her stuff from my apt. some cosmetics, a fan and a bottle of some wine/juice thing she left in the fridge. I didn’t hear from her. Oh well.
So I’ve come to an understanding. There wasn’t any love there, at least not for a very long time…years. I was delusional. I’m pretty sure she hates me, or at least hated me and now feels apathy because she has someone else to love. I’m good with that actually. I found the best way to approach the whole thing is to stay busy enough to be distracted from it and when I do think about it, to force myself to remember that it wasn’t about love, it was about convenience for her. What hurts now isn’t the pain of loss, it’s the stupidity of my own tolerance for someone who didn’t, couldn’t and will not love me. Don’t get the wrong the stupidity is still painful, but I know how to approach it better. It’s not about the few times we did connect; it’s that she didn’t want us to connect in the first place. She had no regard for us or me and I need to get into the same mental state. I’m still working out the details but in the mean time, I at least know how to deal with the issues. It’s not about her help because she refuses to help me, that was never what she was interested in doing. Though that would be the easiest way for me to get closure what it comes to is figuring this out on my own. Eventually it'll happen, just that eventually is very different from actually.
I didn’t get more than thirty minutes of sleep Thursday night. Trying to setup some data for the next couple of weeks and got a bit disturbed thinking of Renell again. Thankfully I’ve figured out how to remedy that. More in a bit. Friday I was at Kam by 6 for their Thanksgiving speech and debate tournament. They had me running prep again and doing random tasks in the mean time. I didn’t get home from that until about 11 so it was kind of a long day. I did get about an hour of sleep that night
Saturday I was back at Kam by about 6:30 in the morning same deal. The two day tournament is really a test of stamina more than anything else. Dickson County (from Tennessee) sent only 11 kids, each was triple entered and they beat out every other team there. Most of the kids ended up winning or in the top three of the categories they competed in and remember they each did three different events. Crazy. I got home from that around 10, had a late dinner did a bit of work on the laptop and got some sleep. I was supposed to have heard from Renell on Sat. so she could pick up the last of her stuff from my apt. some cosmetics, a fan and a bottle of some wine/juice thing she left in the fridge. I didn’t hear from her. Oh well.
So I’ve come to an understanding. There wasn’t any love there, at least not for a very long time…years. I was delusional. I’m pretty sure she hates me, or at least hated me and now feels apathy because she has someone else to love. I’m good with that actually. I found the best way to approach the whole thing is to stay busy enough to be distracted from it and when I do think about it, to force myself to remember that it wasn’t about love, it was about convenience for her. What hurts now isn’t the pain of loss, it’s the stupidity of my own tolerance for someone who didn’t, couldn’t and will not love me. Don’t get the wrong the stupidity is still painful, but I know how to approach it better. It’s not about the few times we did connect; it’s that she didn’t want us to connect in the first place. She had no regard for us or me and I need to get into the same mental state. I’m still working out the details but in the mean time, I at least know how to deal with the issues. It’s not about her help because she refuses to help me, that was never what she was interested in doing. Though that would be the easiest way for me to get closure what it comes to is figuring this out on my own. Eventually it'll happen, just that eventually is very different from actually.
posted by rpalmeira | 7:05 PM
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