Seven Stages of Grief

There are supposed to be seven stages to grief. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen all seven but it’s odd because I keep slipping back into one or the other, and they don’t hit in order. I’ve reacted to each in different ways. Here are a few

Shock or Disbelief – The day she left, the day before my surgery, I got drunk to the point of passing out on vodka and rum. Woke up, threw up. Passed out. Repeated. I couldn’t even keep water down for the better part of the day
Denial – I think this stage came and went pretty quick and I only denied up until the point that she walked in the door to pack up her stuff on the day she left. Not sure how I reacted to this other than sadness. I do find myself here for a few seconds after I wake up. It makes coming back to full consciousness that much harder.
Bargaining – Strongly considered asking her to marry me. Seriously. That would have been a horrible thing to do, but I strongly considered it.
Guilt – Went through the typical questions of “what if I had just….” …been more attentive. …been more assertive. ….been more supportive. And of course questioned if I had pushed her away.
Anger – Got mad. Didn’t do anything about. Pretty much the norm for me when it comes to her.
Depression – Here and anger is where I spent most of my time. I can’t do what I want to do which is hit something. This is probably a good thing as by now I’d likely have broken hands. So in that sense the surgery is a good thing. It prevented me from more self destructive behavior.
Acceptance and Hope – I do find myself here sometimes, but it’s not as often as I’d like. Here I write, as I’m doing now to try and get down my thoughts, clear my head and make sense of it all. And that of course is the hard part. Making sense of it all and figuring where to go from now. I guess that for her it’s easier. It’s always easier to run away when you have someone else to run to.