Another Day Goes By.....

I don’t know why it hurts; I just know that it does. I can’t explain it other than to say that I cannot be near Renell without being with her. It’s a torrent of memory, emotion, past hope and love. It’s pain and that’s all it is. I know it’s not healthy, I know it doesn’t bring me closure, but still I subject myself to it.

I’m tired again. I spent part of the morning with Renell, picked up a couple of things at Wal-Mart; some stuff for the apartment and a couple of things for Ryen. I’ve always easily noticed certain verbal cues and symbols. We were looking at puzzles and she had mentioned that Ryen did a whole 100 piece puzzle by himself. Her words were “we brought home a Thomas puzzle and Arwyn started doing it with him…..” The point there being that she already considers Rick as home. I was never “home” I was the place she used to go to in order to get away from home. Whatever steps she’s made to overcome the years that we both failed in being together, I have yet to make.

My hand was twitching again, first time since surgery; it’s a sign of stress. I still can’t control the shaking in my left hand. It’ll subside soon hopefully. It makes typing kind of hard. I really can’t do this though. I could barely pull the acting while she was here. Only it wasn’t really acting then. I was content. I might not have been happy, but I was content. Now I just am.

I want her to understand the hurt. I think at one time she did, but Renell has always put the understanding and feeling together. For her to understand the pain she has caused me, she would need to have some feeling for me or at least fake caring for us. She has none of that now and that means she won’t understand the loss I feel. Not that she needs or want to and not that I should. It’s dwelling on the past instead of moving forward and I know it’s bad. But every time we talk, I get stuck in the past, in the same destructive loop. And it doesn’t go away. I just need it to go away.