Realization

It's hard to form what I want to say into words that make sense. I know what I feel and think but expressing all that is quite a challenge. I knew that day, the day she left that it was permanent this time. It was the first time she could face me and tell me in person that it was done, what she had decided and what she had done. First time. In all the times she's cheated on me or all the times it was supposed to have been over before, should have been over before, this was the first time that she could face in me in person and tell me its done. There's a certain finality to that. Even afterwards, trying to get my keys from her or when she needed me to write checks for Ryen's preschool tuition, she couldn't do either of those alone and in person. When she dropped my keys off, Rick was there with his daughter. When she needed the checks, Ryen was there.

We still can't have a conversation. I still can't get closure. It's draining. I wake up every day and for the first five seconds I want the past weeks to have been a dream. After a couple of seconds it wears off. That hurts for a few minutes, before I remind myself that in the long term it's better like this. You get the good memories to stick in times like these, not the bad. I know she doesn't care and at this point, I suppose that's what matters most.