The Return….Long Version
Monday:
First day back. I got some work done, had to take it light since I wasn’t cleared for much in terms of lifting backpacks or exercise. Started to get an understanding of what’s going through in my brain. If nothing else, I realize that I am lost. Talked to Renell today for about 20 minutes. I couldn’t control my hand, it kept shaking the whole time. By the time she left I was useless again, dropped in a pile on the floor. More self pity I suppose and useless self pity at that. I have since come to understand that there is no love lost for her. Yet I still can get out of my head that resolution is necessary and closure, as badly as I want it, will not come.
Tues:
Had an eye appt. today (Tues.) in the morning. Things are going well for the eye. I’m back to moderate activity and in three more weeks I should be able to return to normal activity. Switched eye drops from the antibiotic TobraDex back to the Pred Forte which, if I remember correctly, was supposed to reduce scarring. Only twice a day now on the eye drops. Talked to Renell on Tues. evening, it was useless. She will not eve consider the question of why. Why, was the end goal of “us” not worth the effort? Her answer is simply that it wasn’t, end of story. No easy answer means that there is no why necessary for her. It kills me. There are three ways I can be helped 1) Tell me why and give me the answer I seek. No one else can and she won’t even address the question so this isn’t likely 2) painfully shocked back into reality. This she won’t do either so getting this form of help wouldn’t be possible either and 3) Go insane. I’ve done this for three weeks already. Daily driven myself to madness over something that I should be able to let go. She tried to tell me that there wasn’t anything lost; that the “we” wasn’t very good anyway, but she couldn’t tell me why. I accept the loss. I even accept at this point the finality. If she did a total 180 and asked me to take her back, at this point, I wouldn’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. It means my head is still spinning and I’m stuck insane. The best two ways for me to get through this cannot happen because they are dependant on her. The last is to simply let myself go through the insanity and see where I come out on the other side.
Wed:
Day before Thanksgiving went by quickly. Lots of work still to be done, my brain still wrapped around the wrong focus. Right now, I honestly want the pain. It’s really the same thing anyway. The answer to my question of why is the same, it tells me why “we” wasn’t worth the work, worth sticking it through the hard times. I want to be pushed back into reality and right now because I can’t keep going like this. My concentration is wrong, my focus is on the wrong things and getting no answer is frustrating. I was told today that my very existence is annoying and angering to Renell. I feel the same. I got some productive stuff done today. Took one make up exam for example, but I couldn’t concentrate on it. This is just……draining.
First day back. I got some work done, had to take it light since I wasn’t cleared for much in terms of lifting backpacks or exercise. Started to get an understanding of what’s going through in my brain. If nothing else, I realize that I am lost. Talked to Renell today for about 20 minutes. I couldn’t control my hand, it kept shaking the whole time. By the time she left I was useless again, dropped in a pile on the floor. More self pity I suppose and useless self pity at that. I have since come to understand that there is no love lost for her. Yet I still can get out of my head that resolution is necessary and closure, as badly as I want it, will not come.
Tues:
Had an eye appt. today (Tues.) in the morning. Things are going well for the eye. I’m back to moderate activity and in three more weeks I should be able to return to normal activity. Switched eye drops from the antibiotic TobraDex back to the Pred Forte which, if I remember correctly, was supposed to reduce scarring. Only twice a day now on the eye drops. Talked to Renell on Tues. evening, it was useless. She will not eve consider the question of why. Why, was the end goal of “us” not worth the effort? Her answer is simply that it wasn’t, end of story. No easy answer means that there is no why necessary for her. It kills me. There are three ways I can be helped 1) Tell me why and give me the answer I seek. No one else can and she won’t even address the question so this isn’t likely 2) painfully shocked back into reality. This she won’t do either so getting this form of help wouldn’t be possible either and 3) Go insane. I’ve done this for three weeks already. Daily driven myself to madness over something that I should be able to let go. She tried to tell me that there wasn’t anything lost; that the “we” wasn’t very good anyway, but she couldn’t tell me why. I accept the loss. I even accept at this point the finality. If she did a total 180 and asked me to take her back, at this point, I wouldn’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. It means my head is still spinning and I’m stuck insane. The best two ways for me to get through this cannot happen because they are dependant on her. The last is to simply let myself go through the insanity and see where I come out on the other side.
Wed:
Day before Thanksgiving went by quickly. Lots of work still to be done, my brain still wrapped around the wrong focus. Right now, I honestly want the pain. It’s really the same thing anyway. The answer to my question of why is the same, it tells me why “we” wasn’t worth the work, worth sticking it through the hard times. I want to be pushed back into reality and right now because I can’t keep going like this. My concentration is wrong, my focus is on the wrong things and getting no answer is frustrating. I was told today that my very existence is annoying and angering to Renell. I feel the same. I got some productive stuff done today. Took one make up exam for example, but I couldn’t concentrate on it. This is just……draining.
posted by rpalmeira | 9:11 PM
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