Conversations Memories and Pitfalls

So I had two rather lengthy conversations with Renell today. Both are essentially the same topic which is, as per the norm, her. Both conversations were initiated by her and, I think, I handled them pretty well.

There are really only two things were ever did well. The first is conversation and the second was sex. I should make a distinction here between conversation and communication. Neither of communicated well with the other. It led to a lot of mutually hurt feelings and emotions of abandonment. We did however have a trust and comfort level in talking to one another. That still largely exists. Anyhow, the point is that there are, sorry, correction were only two things we did well. They happen to be the two things that aren’t quite fully functional in her new relationship. Not for lack of trying it seems, but they just aren’t working.

As is typical Renell style she tries to internalize a lot of this and ignore the issues, allowing them to get worse rather than addressing the problems to find some way to overcome it. The conversation today surprised me as it was an effort on her part to reach out for help and guidance. It was her asking for closure.

Now okay, I’m split on the subject. A large, vindictive part of me (and yes, while I don’t show it often there is a vindictive side) wants to do everything I can to cause her discomfort and aggravate any pain she might be having personally or with Rick. Unfortunately (and with great stupidity) that part keeps getting beaten back by the part of me that still cares and still wants to see her happy. Generally I think that when someone says “I just want you to be happy, even if it’s with someone else” its bullshit. They really want you to be just as fucking miserable. And to be sure, part of me wants her to be just as miserable as I was for the first month after she left. But I spent a large part of my mental capacity today trying to figure out a way to help her. It was rare when we were together for her to ask for help. It’s wholly unique for her now to ask for closure. While I’m pained that she couldn’t help me when I asked for it, that shouldn’t, and isn’t enough for me to deny her help now.

There is no conclusion in place now. There has been progress. As normal, my empathy has been helpful in trying to figure some of this out. This also makes it somewhat painful for me to provide help. It means I have to look at the situation through eyes I’ve already made up my mind about. It means that I have to be open enough to approach us from a truly honest standpoint, knowing full well there are many things I don’t want to approach at all right now. Apparently she’s doing better than she was yesterday so I guess that’s progress.

What do I hope to get from this? I’m not sure. I hope some form of closure as well. In the mean time I will continue to plod along and make things work as best I can.