....psychic sick?

So not that I think a fever of 102 is being psychic or anything, 'cause I don't but I have to wonder whether or not this was a giant cosmic joke. Not that I'm special enough to warrant a cosmic joke mind you but it's still amusing. And it isn't bugging me or adding to the general sense of blah that I've got going, but it's going to irk me for a while, not even sure why it would. I know it shouldn't.

So the ex is sick, specifically morning sick. I guess they've known for a couple of weeks now. It's a happy thing, and it's not so much that I care, I just think I'm going to be sick. It's like one of those things where you wish the worst on people even if you know it's the wrong thing to wish for. In joking I might say that some people deserve serious pain and in the back of my mind I realize it's a fucking joke but in all seriousness here, it's the wrong thing to wish for people to have a fucked up life but still, I really really really want to wish for it. Not even sure when they're going to tell the other kids yet. Again not that it should fucking matter right? Maybe morning sickness isn't just a biological response, but is more of a cosmic 'fuck you' for everything. Or maybe, and this is more likely, I'm just still walking around with a chip on my shoulder for no good fucking reason.

That fact that I shouldn't care coupled with the fact that it's just below the surface enough to irritate me but not really like a full blown pain that's going to drive me mad. It's like a bug bite that won't go away and I'll probably scratch at it and let it gnaw and the back of my brain until it makes me sick. Egotistic, I know but still. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but there still just seems like there's something wrong with it. More and more I'm of the thought that some people shouldn't be allowed to bring other people in the world. I'm certainly one of them....where the fuck am I going with this.....I don't know. I guess it's just disconcerting for no good fucking reason. I need a drink. This is going to bug me. It's like my mind going in eight billion different directions at once even when conciously I know it shouldn't.

Dream

For the moment, my head is fairly clear but I had a weird fever/drug induced dream this morning. The majority of it that I recall was like being in a really bad romantic comedy movie with someone I like named K. Very odd. I do dream occasionally and even about sleeping with someone occasionally, but I don't ususally remember it this well. Wonder if it has something to the fever and/or drugs. probably.

Focus

I think what I lack is focus. People have focus. Look at musicians for example, I don't expect John Mayer or Eva Cassidy to try and sell me a time share. These are people who know they love music, know they want to do this. I don't have that same focus. I can do the tech thing, I do it well. I can teach, even if I don't necessarily enjoy it. Hell, I'll bet if I actually practiced and tried and gave half a shit, I could do the music thing too. Point is, I have no focus, I don't know what can motivate me to get focused and I have no idea what I want to focus on. At this point, my life is office space, without the embezzling or hot girlfriend to watch kung fu movies with. Basically more geek, less flare.