End of New Year's Eve = New Year

Well that and the addition of one extra second to keep the atomic clocks within .9 seconds of accuracy.  New Years Eve is just about coming to a close. It’s got about 10 minutes left here locally. I’m still sober enough to type which I suppose has both positives and negatives. I’ve got a couple of shots lined up for the stroke of midnight. Beyond that I’ll probably turn in a bit early tonight.

Something about the holidays sucks more than normal. Not that I feel all that bad, just sort of generally depressed. Nothing that tequila can’t solve.

New Years Eve Starts

I just read on BBC News that Sydney has celebrated the New Year to much fanfare. It is of course, about 230 AM on the 31’st here locally. It’s nice enough. I have plans for the evening that are pretty low key but better than some of the other ideas running through my head right now (like taking what’s left of the bottle of tequila sitting on the counter and seeing how long I can stay drunk enough to not be able to stand up)

I know that I want the New Year to be better and I know that it will bring some improvements. But right now I think I just want my misery to have company. I want to know that I’m not the only one who isn’t reveling in celebration right now. Still, I know that I am both a positive force in the lives of others and have others who are a positive force in mine and there’s something of a comforting thought in that.

This New Year had better be an improvement over the end of this one, because I’m generally depressed, back to drinking again and looking for employment. If the next year is like the end of this one, it’s not going to be particularly nice.

Hm. Maka says that she doesn't want to drink anything that might impair her for evening. At this point, I'm pretty damn sure I don't want to be sober this evening. Maybe that'll change through the day. It's only 245 AM now, maybe some rest will change my mood, but I doubt it. Here's to hoping my speech is slurred by 12 o'clock

Two Adam Sandler Movies

I saw both Anger Management and Eight Crazy Nights while I was home, the latter one is animated. If you’ve seen either one of them, I think I’m getting to be like the main character in Anger Management and it’s not a particularly appealing thought; I don’t think I’m getting to be like the main character in Eight Crazy Nights because I haven’t yet frozen someone with poo and forced them to be reanimated by shit-licking deer. I recommend both movies if you have Netflix or something similar. Anger Management might be worth the five bucks to rent it, but only if you’ve got some free time. It was funny enough, and David (Adam Sandler’s character) has a huge cat named Meatball that’s just goddamn hilarious but it’s not a super movie. Plus it has a happy ending and I’m not particularly about happy endings right now.

If you’ve seen Anger Management you’ll recall that David pretty much just takes shit from people and internalizes a lot of it. I don’t think I used to do that as much. I know I certainly didn’t do it as much as I do now. Not that it disturbs me greatly or anything, just that I don’t particularly enjoy putting up with bullshit and its worse that I find myself doing it more and more often. One of these day’s I’ll probably end up like Chuck and if someone gives me a wrong look I’ll punch them in the face and piss on them.

Thurs. and Return from Kona

So I made it back Tues. evening from Kona and I've only now finished catching up on all the crap I've meant to do. I had probably over a thousand (and I'm not exaggerating this in the least) emails in various accounts that needed to be checked, some messages to return and some other stuff to get done (bills, banking, etc.)

This morning was pretty amusing. I went in for job testing at Hawaii Telecom for some position with an acronym I can't remember that stands for a job title I was never told in the first place. The test was actually pretty funny. It was shit like reading comprehension, company policy reading, basic math (and they gave you a calculator which I found amusing) and data entry. I can apparently enter 138 characters a minute with 1 error. At least as far as entering employee data from a printout. What I don't understand about shit like that is that if they have it on a printout, didn't someone have to enter all that data in the first place? So I'm just repeating work? Shit, I hope I'm not trying out for a data entry job. I'd have to shoot myself.

I'm taking the rest of the day to catch up on the reading I've missed while away. I finally got through the pile of mail that came while I was gone (thanks to my neighbors for checking my mail 'cause there's no way in Fuck that the little box would have fit all of it). I had wanted to do some cleaning today, but I'm not getting to it until probably tomorrow.

The eye is doing butter which is good, but the vision is coming back slower than I had hoped and it doesn't look like a nice bright future (literally for the right side which doesn't dilate well).

The Christmas Aftermath 8:11AM 26 Dec. 2005

I got to talk to Ryen last night. That was nice but we went to dinner (more below) and got back a little late so I wasn’t sure whether to call. When I ended up calling at almost 10 he was still awake so I at least got to say “Merry Christmas” and find out what he got. Apparently he did three different gift opening sessions. The first at Rick’s on Christmas Eve, the second at Renell’s parents’ and the third at the grandparents’, so he was pretty well energetic and happy. He got to talk to everyone here for a minute or two and at least say hi which was nice. I’ll hopefully see him on Tues. when I get back. If not, his interview with Punahou is Wed. morning so I’ll see him then. We’ll figure something out I guess.

Before that though, we (Myself, my dad, my brother Russell and Marla) went to Ike Tanaka’s for dinner. It was actually pretty nice, about 30 people, give or take a few. There was good food and I got to catch up with a bunch of people I hadn’t seen in years. Some of them in quite a number of years, like half a decade or longer. There was a neat gift exchange kind of game. Everyone that showed up brought something from home (wrapped like a normal gift) that they didn’t want too much anymore. So, for example we brought an antique glass ball (old fishing float, very neat), a CD case, that kind of thing. So everyone gets a number, and starting with number 1 we pick a gift in order. Now the catch is that every person after the first can opt to “steal” the gift from anyone else. If they do, the person they stole from can steal the gift of anyone else or opt to draw a new gift. So you get the two or three really popular gifts that everyone tries to steal. Last night it was a (very) nice bottle of wine with some accessories, a towel and sunglasses and some lotion stuff that had a strand of pearls in it. So the stealing goes on and on and on and on and on. The game actually lasted quite some time but it was pretty funny so nobody really noticed. Well, maybe Russell, he was getting a bit impatient there at the end. I ended the game after someone stole my Almond Roca and I snagged the last unopened one, which ended up being curry and rice (which I’m pretty happy with). Other than that, Russell ended up with the bottle of wine (which turns out to be a pretty damn expensive bottle of French wine that I WILL enjoy tonight), dad ended up with some snack stuff and Marla ended up with some mixed Christmas CD’s. All in all, a very nice evening; I even got to see some very well taken photographs of a surfing trip to Fiji. There were a ton of pictures taken by a professional photographer and there were more than a few really good action shots and some amazing waves.

Before that (I’m going in reverse chronological here to try and remember it all) we spent part of the afternoon cleaning a bunch of the fish caught on Saturday. We filled a decent sized stainless steel pan with papio fillets which are getting smoked today (should be pretty good, not smoked marlin good but pretty damn good nonetheless), we also cleaned the weke ula that I caught. The record weke ula in the state was about 7 ½ lbs. or thereabouts. Using Russell’s scale, which turns out to be pretty accurate, we weighed the one I caught at slightly over 7 lbs. so it was a near record fish. Oh well, I’m happy enough just to eat the damn thing. Finally Russell cleaned the opelu and dad ended up making poke with it which will probably get eaten today. There are still a bunch of papio left in the cooler along with a bunch of nabeta (we took a few to the Tanaka’s yesterday but there’s still quite a bit left).

And Before that was of course the normal gift opening morning. All in all yesterday was a pretty good day. I had a couple of glasses of wine before we left so I ended up sleeping in until about a quarter to eight this morning but today looks to be a decent day as well. At the moment I’m sitting here drinking coffee at the dining table, just kicking back. The keawe wood in the smoker downstairs is burning down to make charcoal and breakfast of pancakes and smoked meat is almost done. It’s nice to be home I suppose. Change of pace from the normal routine of junk.

Merry Fishmas Eve 3:55PM 24 Dec. 2005

I did some fishing today with my dad and brother. We did alright. Forty-six fish in all, 29 papio in the 3-8 lb. range, 15 nabeta of various size (some pretty decent), a decent sized (7 lb.) weke ula, and an opelu that was about 1.25 lb. the latter two of which I caught along with some of the papio and nabeta. I leave it to my dad and brother to decide what to do with the fish. My dad seems to think we should smoke some of the papio (the larger ones) which seems like a good idea to me, but could end up being quite a bit of work for a relatively small amount of end product. It would be very tasty though. Either way I’ll be headed back to Honolulu with some fish for friends, neighbors and the freezer. Along with what I presume will be a pretty good amount of avocados, some coffee (I also want to bring back some raw coffee cherry so my neighbors can see what it looks like, since they were curious) and hopefully some other fruits. I took a bunch of pictures, so at least I can show Ryen some of the different fish. Oddly, the weke ula, which is a red fish, comes out sort of orange on the picture from the digital camera. Oh well, cheap camera.

Anyhow, kind of a busy Christmas Eve but at the same time pretty mellow since we’re back home and the fish are on ice and everyone’s out of the shower by 4 PM. We’ll be having turkey for dinner tonight. Some opelu poke as well since we have it 

As much as I enjoy the fishing, sitting on the boat feeling for bits and pulling line leaves a lot of time for your mind to wander and sitting around doing nothing while trolling to the place we went bottom fishing is even worse, so there were a few times that things got to me, same stupid stuff, but it comes and it goes. It hasn’t been bothering much while I’ve been here but once in a while it hits me. For example, Ryen left a message on my phone the other day wanting to do something. Apparently he asked Renell why they weren’t living with me anymore and she wasn’t sure what to say to him. Oh well. I wonder what she’s going to say when she gets pregnant again, or when she and Rick get married. Ah but stresses for another day.

For the moment, I’m happy enough to get into the normal routine of the house which is to go to sleep early and get up early. I’ve got the old computer here up and running again so that’s something. I need to get them a wireless router soon. I can send it back with my dad’s Christmas present which I have to ship back when I get home because it wasn’t shipped to me yet. Hopefully it’ll be there by the time I get back.

Guinness with dinner tonight I think.

Friends, Coffee, Christmas Shopping and other Randomness 11:17AM 22 Dec. 2005

Christmas is coming; I still have to figure out what to get my dad. I had figured I’d find something when I got here, but I’m still stuck. He’s rather difficult to shop for. I did find something for Russell which is good because I wasn’t sure what he needed for the boat.

I got up this morning at about and made coffee and about 5. I’ve been getting a pretty good amount of work done. At the moment, most of that focuses on editing through the old notes that I had written for the LD debate kids. I keep forgetting to add the copyright info to the notes, oh well. It’s not like they’re getting published anytime soon. At the moment it’s more about getting the content, grammar and structural revisions done than it is about adding the extraneous junk.

I also got a chance to hit up the email, RSS and IM this morning which was nice. I took a look at Maka’s blog again which was a good distraction. She’s been writing a bunch too. Apparently there was some much appreciated (on my end) concern because the last few posts were kind of depressing. I suppose in the moment it could seem that way and I wasn’t exactly ecstatic when writing them, but I look at it more as necessary steps in a process rather than fully depressing bullshit. It’s nice to know I have friends out there.

Aside from the menial tasks and writing work the week has been slow, which is very welcome. I haven’t yet had a chance to post these sets and I image that I won’t get a change to for a while so they’ll come in a large chunk. But hopefully some time this week. I did do a couple of posts on the other random thoughts blog which is fine because time isn’t a consideration. With this, I kind of have to put things in order.

I have also come to recently appreciate again the movie The Story of Us. Not that it’s a great piece of cinema or just for the music (Clapton among others, it’s got a very nice soundtrack) but because it tells a story (duh) and because it seems very honest, even if it is a movie. There’s something about the universality of the pain and emotion that appeals to me right now. There’s honesty in pain and suffering. Plus I’m feeling particularly bitter right now. Anyhow, it’s a good movie and particularly prescient.

Gozilla is on and I have to find something to eat for lunch, I’m getting a bit hungry.

What I’ve Been Up to For a Couple of Days 4:26AM 22 Dec 2005

I’ve spent the past couple of days catching up on my back tech magazine reading and catching up on some of other menial tasks I keep putting off. I’ve gone through the old file on my computer, archived what was old and kept the rest.

I’ve also been trying to revise and update some of the LD notes that I’ve written over the past four or five years. Some of them are incomplete, others contain a number of errors and some even contain a number of outdated references to Oprah. One of these days I’ll get the full set of them published, but I’ll need to go through them first and do some revisions. So far I’ve finished one set completely and I’m working on the rest.

I’ve also been catching up on some back sleep which is very nice. Not that I particularly feel rested. Last night the dog spent most of the evening barking at the pigs outside. And this morning when I got up there was a rat on the kitchen counter that I had to grab and throw out the door. It seems like the animals are invading. Oh well.

I’ve also gotten some work done on the computer here although it seems I still have quite a bit to do in order to get it back into working form. Hopefully I can get this all sorted out before I have to head back. I should hear from a couple of possible employers in the next few days. That guy from the trade school is supposed to get in touch with me although that might not be until later in January. Hopefully I can get some stable employment in the next couple of weeks. At least around the start of the new year.

Things I’ve Learned 6:08AM 20 Dec. 2005

I would like to share this with people. I had some free time this morning while I’m “on vacation” and I’m clearing out junk from my laptop. This was in there and was still prescient I think. I didn’t write it, it’s been on my laptop for at least a few years. I came across it again this morning and decided it was worth it to read again and share.

I've learned...
…that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

…that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

…that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

…that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

…that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.

…that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

…that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

…that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

…that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

…that you can keep going long after you can't.

…that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

…either you control your attitude or it controls you.

…that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take it's place.

…that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

…that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

…that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

…that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while.

…that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

…that sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

…that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

…that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

…that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

…that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

…that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

…that even when you think you have no more to give when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’d also like to add one that I know I’ve had in my head for a while, but that I’ve recently come to appreciate once again.

I’ve learned that life isn’t about getting the things you want, it’s about wanting the things and people you already have.

Morning in Kona 3:51 AM 20 Dec 2005

Landed in Kona last night after flying standby. I was supposed to have left on the 430 flight but because I was flying on the Buddy Pass I was flying standby and when the eleven people showed up at the last minute, they had to bump me to the next flight. So instead of flying out at 430 we left around 545. We had a nice dinner last night. The house was rather full. Russell was here and his friend Loren was staying over. Seeing the two of them makes me feel old. Marla was here as well along with Elijah, one of her grandkids. He’s a year older than Ryen to the month, which means that he turns 6 in Feb. when Ryen turns 5. Oddly Ryen is much smarter. This kid was nice, but was struggling to spell words like “green” and “fire” where I’m pretty sure Ryen would look at my like I’m an idiot if I asked him to spell those. Then again, maybe not. I know he reads very well, but we don’t normally ask him to spell words. Anyhow, including myself, there are 6 people in the house so it doesn’t feel empty at all.

It felt like it was going to be cold this evening, and don’t get me wrong, I’ve got on a sweater, but the temperature isn’t as cold as I figured it would be. This house usually gets pretty chilly in the mornings, but it can’t be that bad right now because I still have shorts on and no socks. I know it gets cold when I have to wear socks

Being here simultaneously makes me feel better and worse. I feel more relaxed here, in part because I know I can’t change in anything going on back home and I try not to stress too much over the things that I cannot affect change in. Secondly, this is a busy house. Not that I’m busy but it seems like there are a number of distractions here. We’ll see how long that lasts but for now, it’s not bad. There is also some sense of security here. Not really anything I can put my finger on, just some sense of security from being here.

Hating People

I really should learn to just hate people. It would make so much of my life easier. I know how to be disgruntled and pissed off. I do that stuff well. If I just learned to walk around all day and say "fuck you" to people, my life would be easier. No more "oh sure, no problem, I can spend all day doing shit that causes me to lose sleep for which I'm compensated by being bitched at" it would be all "oh. What a cute puppy, here let me anally rape it while you watch" or "oh you need a dollar to catch the bus, here let me whip out my dick so you can suck it bitch, otherwise you ain't getting a damn thing."

and yes, if you're curious, I'm just a little bitter right now. And way to fucking sober for my own good.

Dinner Conversation With Myself

Not so much talking to myself, but I have been thinking.

Here's a thought from a few minutes ago as I finished dinner. If I had simply been left, instead of being left for someone else, I think I would be better off. At this point part of the pain comes from the failure of that relationship and part of it comes from feeling like I've been used, as thoough I was simply conveniently available and was something to be used until a better alternative was found.

As to whether or not that's true, who knows. Perhaps Jim Beam does, I think I'll go ask him. cheers.

Realization of Journal Keeping

I’ve been checking some of the older posts, in part to see what I wrote and in part to see how often. I’ve noticed that when I’m in the seventh level of Hell that is my current state, I post quite a bit more than when I’m content. I guess there’s something to be said for the cathartic nature of getting this down. The writing helps me to get it out of my head, try to clear the brain to let the rest of it function for a while instead of just go insane.

Interesting though that I tend to post much more when things are bad than when they are good. Maka seems to be posting, from when I check her blog, regularly regardless of condition. Much of what she writes is positive. I commend that because it helps to remember the good. Right now, I look at the postings I’ve put up and it seems I am once again dwelling on the bad. Hopefully I can learn somewhere along the way to post evenly the good and the bad in my life.

Weakness and Sleeplessness and Nicotine and Alcohol

I have set ways of dealing with stress. Tricks I’ve learned. Like the counting to ten thing. Failing this I normally turn to self destructive behaviors. I’ve smoked more in the past 24 hours than I have in the past year. I’ve had more to drink in the past 24 hours than I have since the day before my surgery (see the earlier post). This is not my weakness; it is the habitual reaction to my weakness, which is her.  I cannot say ‘no’ to her. It seems stupid, there are so many things to hate her for and no logical reason not to be able to say no. Except that being totally honest, there is still love there. I still care and it kills me to do so.

For a while I was better because 1) I thought she was okay and had reached closure. It turns out that this isn’t the case and 2) I had my return from surgery and the activities after it that kept me occupied enough not to have to think. I was busy enough not to think. These of course are not the case now. In the past three days my world of contentment, not yet happiness, but contentment, has been once again flipped upside down because I cannot say no.

She wants my help to get closure. I hadn’t reached there myself but my assumption that she had allowed me to make progress. To assume, they say, makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” That is certainly so in this case. I don’t know what she needs for closure or whether my participation in the past three days has aided it, but it’s killing me. Both figuratively in the emotional sense (hey, emotional, ah, I get it now, emo music, okay, well the shit still sucks but I get it) and in the literal sense as I plummet down the path of self destructive behavior: no sleep, coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, thinking.

I am headed to Kona for a week with the hope that distance, not time, will push me to a new sense of being. I leave Monday and will return after Christmas, in the meantime, I’ll still have email and internet access so I will continue to post and if I can’t for some reason, I’ll write at least and post when I get back.

The odd part of me that still loves her is also the part that dies to know that she can be happy with someone else. It’s the part that hurts when I realize that the open lines of communication that exist now, but did not exist before, are what we needed to make things work. This is craziness and it causes pain to not only herself and myself, but to those around us, including Ryen.

My weakness if my love for her and my fear is that I will not be able to overcome this weakness as I know I must. I have come to accept that the cycle of pain must be broken. I have come to accept that failure of us was due to fear, lack of communication and lack of trust and I have come to accept that we cannot be, yet because that love still exists, so does the weakness. I need a fucking drink.

Repeat Stupidity and Yes, the Nice Finish Last

The worst is when you know you’re slipping into insanity. Crazy people don’t think they’re crazy. I know I’m not crazy, just frustrated. But as I’m back to both the alcohol and giving in to what Renell wants, whether it’s help with MS Access or help trying to find closure, I am again repeating the same stupid mistakes of my life. I have not accomplished the level of finality that I sought nor have I achieved the level of discipline that I promised I would

As for the nicest finishing the last, I’m tempted to say that I’m finishing last, but in truth I am finishing a different race, I am not finishing last, I am running this race along and finishing alone. Sadly misery loves company and I have none except alcohol for the moment. Oh well, at least I don’t have to think.

Drinking Again and Steps Backwards

I’ve been sipping cognac now for about an hour and a half, not enough to get smashed but enough to impair my thinking such that I’m pretty sure I can write without any consideration for regret later.

I’ve come over the past month and a half to understand the why behind the failure of the relationship behind Renell and me. It was and is a combination of fear and lack of appreciation and bad communication and lack of trust and communication on my end. That much has been apparent now for some time.

I have also come to realize that there is still a love there. Not one that makes any sense or one that will ever amount to anything else. The cycle must be broken and we just can’t be. I’m too tired and too hurt to be hurt any more.

We talked some yesterday. She was having some issue trying to talk to Rick and came to me asking for help finding closure. She is in large part a physical person, I’m usually ambivalent to the physical cues. The hugs, kissing, etc. was never as important as just being there mentally and in support when needed. Both require physical presence but not the sort of cues and effects of physicality. Yesterday she said that part of her getting closure was for us to kiss and see if there was anything there, in order to prove that she wasn’t crazy. First off, she wasn’t crazy anyway, there is of course some level of caring, emotion and love and there always will be. Secondly, I think the full set of consequences for all involved wasn’t very well considered, but she said she had thought it through. We kissed, we felt the tug of heartstrings, mutually, and she proved to herself that she wasn’t crazy. It instead has driven me insane.

The level of openness, and honesty that she can express now was what we needed earlier to prevent such a loss as we now both share. The level of effort now is too late for anything but causing me more pain in that it could have not been expressed earlier to save the relationship but must be now shown to find closure from it.

From my point of view, I was fine, not good, but passable. I had come to the understanding of why and that was enough to get me through the day. I had found ways to be distracted and befriended those who could pull me away from the misery of solitude and self loathing. Now again, here I sit, glass of cognac still in hand, remembering the pain, feeling the loss all over again. I sit and think now and forget again to breath.

A while ago, along with the prayer, I would let the pain take me over, I would let it wash over me and fill me with that gut wrenching feeling that is loss and heartbreak. But only for a 10 count. I would let it rip my soul for 10 seconds then take a deep breath and pull it back again to burden me. There was catharsis in that. There was. Therapy there and it worked for a time. I am back to that now. It is a matter of survival again. A day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute struggle not to lose my mind again.

The writing helps some. It gets these thought onto paper (or screen) and out of my head, no longer to burden my mind with dwelling on the things that I cannot change. It is those things which hurt me the most. You can look at those things as that which I cannot change and simply must move beyond, or you can look at them as things that I cannot change but that I can learn from and learn not to repeat. My weakness has always been a willingness and readiness to repeat the same mistakes as though I had never learned from them. That is what love does, that is what love is, a willingness to bash your head against the wall over and over and over until you can’t anymore and then do it all again for no reason other than your heart tells you it is so. I can’t do that anymore.

I was making progress, I was getting by, I wasn’t happy, I didn’t have closure and I certainly didn’t move past the pain, but I was okay. Now I revert, not by a few steps but by years. I have fallen to the same coping methods that pushed me to the brink of insanity before. I am repeating the same mistakes of the past to avoid repeating the mistakes of my heart. Fuck

Insomnia and More Posting After The Exam

My last exam is Thurs. after which I plan to post more. At least daily. I think I was making progress, good strides in it too. then this past day or two has thrown me for a loop. Maybe it's just the holiday season. Maybe I'm just crazy. Now I'm begining to feel again like the world is spinning. Fuck. I'm very tempted at this point to reach again for the bottle of rum I have in the cabinet...

In the mean time I've got the insomnia back again. I was sleeping for a while. I found some level of comfort for some time and was getting sleep but I'm having trouble focusing again and the insomnia has set in once more.

Conversations Memories and Pitfalls

So I had two rather lengthy conversations with Renell today. Both are essentially the same topic which is, as per the norm, her. Both conversations were initiated by her and, I think, I handled them pretty well.

There are really only two things were ever did well. The first is conversation and the second was sex. I should make a distinction here between conversation and communication. Neither of communicated well with the other. It led to a lot of mutually hurt feelings and emotions of abandonment. We did however have a trust and comfort level in talking to one another. That still largely exists. Anyhow, the point is that there are, sorry, correction were only two things we did well. They happen to be the two things that aren’t quite fully functional in her new relationship. Not for lack of trying it seems, but they just aren’t working.

As is typical Renell style she tries to internalize a lot of this and ignore the issues, allowing them to get worse rather than addressing the problems to find some way to overcome it. The conversation today surprised me as it was an effort on her part to reach out for help and guidance. It was her asking for closure.

Now okay, I’m split on the subject. A large, vindictive part of me (and yes, while I don’t show it often there is a vindictive side) wants to do everything I can to cause her discomfort and aggravate any pain she might be having personally or with Rick. Unfortunately (and with great stupidity) that part keeps getting beaten back by the part of me that still cares and still wants to see her happy. Generally I think that when someone says “I just want you to be happy, even if it’s with someone else” its bullshit. They really want you to be just as fucking miserable. And to be sure, part of me wants her to be just as miserable as I was for the first month after she left. But I spent a large part of my mental capacity today trying to figure out a way to help her. It was rare when we were together for her to ask for help. It’s wholly unique for her now to ask for closure. While I’m pained that she couldn’t help me when I asked for it, that shouldn’t, and isn’t enough for me to deny her help now.

There is no conclusion in place now. There has been progress. As normal, my empathy has been helpful in trying to figure some of this out. This also makes it somewhat painful for me to provide help. It means I have to look at the situation through eyes I’ve already made up my mind about. It means that I have to be open enough to approach us from a truly honest standpoint, knowing full well there are many things I don’t want to approach at all right now. Apparently she’s doing better than she was yesterday so I guess that’s progress.

What do I hope to get from this? I’m not sure. I hope some form of closure as well. In the mean time I will continue to plod along and make things work as best I can.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

I'm doing better now. the painful segments are coming in fewer intervals and last longer. I don't know in particular what changed, and I know the process isn't complete. But I've come to understand that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to get there.

Randomness

I spent a large part of the past weekend engaged in totally random activities ranging from really good Indian food to playing music to nearly getting drenched in a downpour at Ward. It's a set of randomness that's continuing and I'm enjoying it quite a bit. Keeps my mind off of stressful things and clear it for the rest of the work that I have to do. I haven't been overly burdened by nearly as much stress. Even today, I had a long day and it didn't feel very long at all. Though I do still have to stop by Long's a little later and pick up the Rx that I dropped off so it's not totally over yet. Still, it's been a good week.

Today was the last day of my classes at UH. Finals still remain though in my case I only have to show up for one exam next Thurs. I'll be tutoring again this Sat. which is nice. Kind of gets me back into the familiar territory of teaching. But on the other hand I need to consider a job somewhere. The small business IT gig I've got going is okay, but it would be nice to put in a stable day, even if it does mean working for the man again.

Posting Less Often and a Weekend Story...oh and Rob Costlow CD's

I think I'm starting to get to the point where I can post less often. This is a good thing. It means my acceptance level is improving. It still sucks but it's getting better.

So I got quasi kidnapped Friday evening. It was a good. A weekend of totally random and spontaneous activities. I'll have to take my camera if we go do stuff again. We had some good music and improv and food and just a generally nice experience. It was a great diversion from my typical routine and got me away from the rut that I've been running in for a while. It's proven to me that this is something I need to do more often. I've been sitting at home moping for too long. Hell two days would have been too long and it's now been over a month. It still hurts, but I think I'm getting better on the road of recovery and feeling better because of it. I'm not usually a happy person. I'm a realist, but an optimist and I prefer to believe the best of people and of myself, but that doesn't usually make me a happy person. This weekend was....For lack of a more descriptive term, nice. It was good to get out of the routine, throw a few unexpected turns into the mix and roll through the fallout of it all. It was one of those necessary steps of progress that tells you that things will be okay, despite the way it may seem to be right now.

And finally, my Rob Costlow CD's came in the mail today. $23 bucks for 2 CD's but it's some of the nicest solo piano music I've heard in a while. Thanks goes to podcasting for introducing me to the music. I strongly encourage people to take a listen, the CD's are incredible. Just the right thing for relaxing in the evening or playing while I'm cooking. Check the PodsafePodsafe Music Network If you want to listen to a few tracks. I suggest you start with "I do" and "LA/Passing By" but they're all good. Anyway, so my CD's came and I've had them playing a few times tonight. They're on right now and they'll be on as I fall asleep, if I fall asleep, this evening (or early morning to be technically accurate)