Killing Myself for Other People

Seriously, I feel like I've been awake for two weeks. I've got work, the Akaka thing, the demo thing, both of which I got pimped out to by Kekoa for...what exactly? I've got the speech thing which I wish I could devote more time to even if sometimes they get to be whiny ungrateful little bitches. I guess tonight is just one of those times where I realize that eating a whole pizza and drinking a bunch of whiskey and smoking (again) are not conducive to living well. I feel like I'm on the slow path to killing myself for other people. In the mean time there's still a bunch of other stuff to do and the rain is begining to piss me off as well.

ARGH!

My legs are goddamn sore

I got suckered into walking the Kuhio day parade today. walked from Hilton Hawaiian Village to Kapiolani park and back. Not that my legs are really sore, but they're annoyingly sore. Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight. I had to record this demo podcast thing 3 times. First time sucked, second time I realized the mic I was using didn't have a pop shield and it kept spking. I ended up using a binder clip and one of my old business cards from AgileMD to block the popping noises. So anyway I've been awake for a couple of days now. Not completely, I did catch a nap this evening for about an hour but still, I'm kind of tired.

Somehow I feel overworked...interesting feeling.

The One

The way I figure it, everybody has that one person, that fatal flaw that we cannot escape. It's the first cut that Cat Steven's sings about (note for those who thought it, The First Cut is the Deepest, is not a Sheryl Crow song, actually Rod Stewart does a pretty good cover too). That person you can't manage to rid yourself of despite all the things you know are wrong.

Even in the final vestige of knowing that things cannot mend themselves in your head or in your heart, you deeply want the hardest choices to be easy. And so you tolerate them as each word kills you more and each day is a trial of self control not to spill over the line.

I'm 12 steps from where I need to be. How is it I find myself here, at the bottom of an empty bottle with a cigarette butt rattling in the last vapors of blended whiskey? How is it that the quiet of the night plays the loudest voices in my head.

And yet as I try to find solace in the distractions life affords, the memories sink back in and make the silence all the more maddening.

I can tell you all about eminent domain. I can explain the security risks of a VoIP deployment, I can recall from memory, the lyrics of Robert Cray, Alana Davis and Brother Love, yet I can't dictate the lyrics that can rise my soul out of the doldrums and into the deep ocean currents.

The loudest screams are the ones that tear into your mind.

I was asleep...

I haven't been getting to bed very early these past couple of days. It's been busy. I finally got motivated to finish the latest stuff for PCH and had some stuff to do for the democratic party that Kekoa pimped me out for. Add on the daily podcast d/l's and RSS feeds and that takes up a good chunk of the evening.

on a plus note I'm getting a T-shirt from Experts-Exchange, a copy of MS Visual Studio 2005 and a copy of MS Office shipped to me all for free. Score.

but anyway, lots of stuff to do so not much sleep lately. Tonight I was out by 11. Then at 11:30 I get a call from Renell. If these calls last more than four minutes normally I would consider them long. It's usually a minute or two to try and schedule the next time I get to see Ryen. Tonight the call lasted 30 minutes and 57 seconds according to the cell phone call timer. If these minutes weren't free I'd have hung that shit up pretty quickly. Apparently her mom was in the hospital for testing and she was anxious or some shit and wanted somebody to talk to. what the fuck is that? seriously, isn't that a problem for the new boyfriend? There's no obligation for me to be losing sleep for her and her bullshit family anymore. Especially on the first night this week I was about to get a good nights sleep.

Now I'm kind of hungry. I'm going to go eat a piece of chicken and finish off the last of the wild turkey in the hope that it puts me to sleep. Just annoyed and felt like sharing.

putting my eduation to use

So the job is going well, in fact i'm writing this from my desk at the end of the day before i go home and get so damned sloshed i can't think straight let alone type straight.

just a random comment but my education is primarily technical. technical people aren't supposed to write well. i find myself doing mostly writing in this job. i almost feel like i'm just doing product documentation, which don't get me wrong, is still very cool, but i find it amusing.

i don't dream

Not usually anyway. and if i do, they're disjointed, totally random. one minute i'll be riding a sheep ina a downhill slalom and the next, i'll be drinking chai with a mutated, half-sharon stone, half-dick cheney. I don't usually dream. but lately i've been dreaming quite a bit and usually about being miserable. which is weird right?

the nice thing about work and all the other extra crap is that it usually keeps me too distracted to feel lonely or bored, both of which would make the situation much worse. For whatever reason, when i sleep for more than an hour or two, i dream. and they tend to be dreams about losing her in different ways. When i'm concious it doesn't really faze me much and the more i think about it, the more i realize how bad of a person she is. but when i sleep, that loss and pain comes back. fucking crazy.

Saturday bad habits

Well, not too bad i suppose, i'm still sober enough to type after all. but this staying up until 2 am doing nothing exceedingly productive is starting to make me question my usefulness.

and i need to remember to carry around some business cards. the only ones i usually keep on hand are my old ones from AgileMD because the back is empty and i can use them to write little reminders, like post-its but not sticky. and you can throw them at people.

i have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow. well technically i suppose that's today. michelle would say that it's today, i don't think it's actually sunday until the sun rises.

i think i need to invest in some ambien

awake again at 2 AM

this is just bloody crazy. I have a meeting to do some product overview with sales people tomorrow at 9AM i'm going to be so craptastic tomorrow I can almost taste it already. This not being able to fall asleep thing is annoying now. Even 101 proof alcohol is barely having an effect on my writing. Something is wrong with this picture.

insomnia

fuck insomnia. seriously, fuck it right in the ass. this is crazy. it's 3:38 and i am nowhere near asleep. damn it.

Dreams and Recovery

It's odd th esorts of things you dream about when you sleep. I rarely remember the things I dream about. Even now it's fading pretty quickly. I went to sleep around 2 AM and I got up around 230 PM. Well, actually I fell asleep on my couch at 230 AM then got woken up by some Jehovah's witness at 10:30 AM but kept acting like was asleep for a few minutes until he went away then moved into the bedroom in the back until 230 PM.

But the dreams are annoying. It was consistently about being close to what I hope to achieve but never quite getting it and always something catastrophic to make it unreachable. Details escape me, plus I'm still groggy as fuck and amazed I can type, but it felt a lot like a Roadrunner and Wylie Coyote cartoon. I just remember it not being very fun.

But at least today I can relax a bit. Not much to do besides sleep and recover from the week. Tomorrow starts a new week at work and no speech so I'm free to make use of my choice of alcohols without worrying about whether I have to judge or run prep which is nice. It'll give me a chance to get moving on some of the other work I've got lined up. Plus I can probably find a nice bottle of something single malt.

Work, non-work work, speech work, and pimped out to the DNC work...work sucks

oh, and let's not forget. fuck taxes. Seriously, taxes are like being gang raped by the government. My tax money goest to the TSA. There is no fucking security in the transportation security administration. I swear to christ one day i will walk through an airport terminal buck naked just to avoid the hassles. no more taking off my shoes for security. I might lift up my balls, but that's about it.

work is keeping me busy. it's neat to have my hand in half a dozen things at the same time but it can be crazy to manage. trying to balance time properly is tough but a good lesson. I'm learning quite a bit. as part of it, i even managed to gain another semi-professional certification which is nice. but damn if i don't come home in the evening mentally tired.

physically, i'm definitely a night person. i can be exhausged during the day, but not matter how tired i am, 9 pm rolls around and the brain gets going again. usually on stuff like how much i hate TSA.

outside of work, the podcast writing is going relatively well. i'm kind of surprised how much of what i write is actually getting used. supposedly some of it will be pushed to book form which shoudl be interesting. it's a good way to keep my mind active and distracted from things.

i also picked up a new project which is sort of open ended. for the moment it consists of a few beta ideas and some demos but i'm going to try redesigning and updating the web presence for the hawaii democratic party. not that it's a sign of devotion to the party or anything, it's just a neat project. get them going with some new web site stuff, maybe a forum, a podcast if i can get a chearp, good mic, though given the content i've set up for PCH, they might not necessarily want to attach my name to this...heh. still it's an interesting project. so i've got a few weeks to setup a demo, show what options are available. should be fun.

also have a speech tournament again this weekend. third one in four weeks each fri. night and sat. so it's been keeping me busy, and sadly sober on the weekend. no friday afternoon bushmill's. oh well.

it's good to keep busy though. it's a distraction from the drugery.

Ryen has a thing at punahou tomorrow. second step in applying to the school, the give a little tour and show him around the campus. Renell is taking him. I kind of wonder if rick will be with them but at this point don't really care. it would be interesting though if the lady who did the interview with Ryen suddenly notices that hey, the guy looks like he aged a decade and a half in a couple of months.....WTF? except i don't think he has glasses so it would be hard to confuse us. funny thought though.

things feel, if not quite on track, at least, in development, i don't feel like i'm in limbo anymore. not that i necessarily feel like i have a purpose, more i feel like i have a project. a bunch of projects to keep me busy. and that's a good thing... hopefully... until i burn out and have a mental breakdown....or convert to moronism mormonism.