Tues. was a Small Step in The Right Direction

I had something of a good day yesterday (Tues.). I had to talk to Renell to schedule stuff with Ryen and figure out some of the support finances but better than that we had a short talk that, even though it didn’t help me a fucking bit, I managed to get through without losing it. There is something valuable in that. I guess what I got out of the discussion was the knowledge that I could have that type of talk and still retain composure. I still haven’t gotten, nor will I get (at least anytime soon) the closure that I really want, but at the end of the talk she said she felt a little better, so maybe she’ll take it out a little less on me when we have to talk in the future. There’s something deeper that she hates about me that still has yet to come out, but it’s a slow process. It’s honestly a lot like therapy, but I’m not getting paid, nor do I derive any other benefit from it other than maybe just a better mood from her and less bitchiness in the future.

The crux of the issue is the same as it always has been: trust, effort and appreciation. The trust more on my part, the effort for both of us and her not appreciating the things that were done. It’s an odd trinity of sorts, but one that eventually ruined what could have been a future. In the near term, there’s a piece I’ve been working on that details this a bit more, and tries to explain our failure in terms of the seven deadly sins. When I have time, I’ll finish it and put it up. For right now. I’m off to sleep for an hour or so. If I could, I would tell someone to wake me at the end of December.

Insomnia and Recovery

I'm still having trouble sleeping. In part for the same reasons but not as much anymore. I don't wake up in shock after twenty minutes after bad dreams. But I can't fall asleep. It's 1 AM now and the last time I slept was Sunday after the speech/debate thing. Still, I can't fall asleep, I'm not obsessing anymore which is nice, but I'm...if not quite sad then certainly not happy. Not that I need to be happy to sleep, I just find it difficult.

So I was supposed have jury duty on Tues. Morning. I called the phone line and they cancelled my case which is nice. I won't get called for jury duty for at least two years. Still it almost would have been good to do something else tomorrow. Better to keep busy, be distracted and tire myself out than sit around moping.

Off to try and lie down now, stare at the ceiling and see if the pills I just took will kick in soon.

UPDATE: Still can't sleep, but I've been catching up on podcasts, in a random moment of free time, I dropped a call to CC Chapman of Accident Hash and U-Turn cafe and just noticed that it got played in U-Turn Cafe Episode 5 Very nice of him, the intent wasn't to really have the comment played, but still quite nifty.

A Long Weekend

This was a long weekend. Thurs. I had a nice dinner with friends, I went home with enough food to last for the rest of the weekend, but I ended up not eating much of it until tonight (Sunday). Good food though. Turkey, ham, rice, potatoes, yams, fresh cranberry sauce, salad, sashimi, Kona crab, three types of pie and two types of ice cream for desert. I’m sure I’m forgetting something but can’t remember what else right now.

I didn’t get more than thirty minutes of sleep Thursday night. Trying to setup some data for the next couple of weeks and got a bit disturbed thinking of Renell again. Thankfully I’ve figured out how to remedy that. More in a bit. Friday I was at Kam by 6 for their Thanksgiving speech and debate tournament. They had me running prep again and doing random tasks in the mean time. I didn’t get home from that until about 11 so it was kind of a long day. I did get about an hour of sleep that night

Saturday I was back at Kam by about 6:30 in the morning same deal. The two day tournament is really a test of stamina more than anything else. Dickson County (from Tennessee) sent only 11 kids, each was triple entered and they beat out every other team there. Most of the kids ended up winning or in the top three of the categories they competed in and remember they each did three different events. Crazy. I got home from that around 10, had a late dinner did a bit of work on the laptop and got some sleep. I was supposed to have heard from Renell on Sat. so she could pick up the last of her stuff from my apt. some cosmetics, a fan and a bottle of some wine/juice thing she left in the fridge. I didn’t hear from her. Oh well.

So I’ve come to an understanding. There wasn’t any love there, at least not for a very long time…years. I was delusional. I’m pretty sure she hates me, or at least hated me and now feels apathy because she has someone else to love. I’m good with that actually. I found the best way to approach the whole thing is to stay busy enough to be distracted from it and when I do think about it, to force myself to remember that it wasn’t about love, it was about convenience for her. What hurts now isn’t the pain of loss, it’s the stupidity of my own tolerance for someone who didn’t, couldn’t and will not love me. Don’t get the wrong the stupidity is still painful, but I know how to approach it better. It’s not about the few times we did connect; it’s that she didn’t want us to connect in the first place. She had no regard for us or me and I need to get into the same mental state. I’m still working out the details but in the mean time, I at least know how to deal with the issues. It’s not about her help because she refuses to help me, that was never what she was interested in doing. Though that would be the easiest way for me to get closure what it comes to is figuring this out on my own. Eventually it'll happen, just that eventually is very different from actually.

The Return….Long Version

Monday:
First day back. I got some work done, had to take it light since I wasn’t cleared for much in terms of lifting backpacks or exercise. Started to get an understanding of what’s going through in my brain. If nothing else, I realize that I am lost. Talked to Renell today for about 20 minutes. I couldn’t control my hand, it kept shaking the whole time. By the time she left I was useless again, dropped in a pile on the floor. More self pity I suppose and useless self pity at that. I have since come to understand that there is no love lost for her. Yet I still can get out of my head that resolution is necessary and closure, as badly as I want it, will not come.

Tues:
Had an eye appt. today (Tues.) in the morning. Things are going well for the eye. I’m back to moderate activity and in three more weeks I should be able to return to normal activity. Switched eye drops from the antibiotic TobraDex back to the Pred Forte which, if I remember correctly, was supposed to reduce scarring. Only twice a day now on the eye drops. Talked to Renell on Tues. evening, it was useless. She will not eve consider the question of why. Why, was the end goal of “us” not worth the effort? Her answer is simply that it wasn’t, end of story. No easy answer means that there is no why necessary for her. It kills me. There are three ways I can be helped 1) Tell me why and give me the answer I seek. No one else can and she won’t even address the question so this isn’t likely 2) painfully shocked back into reality. This she won’t do either so getting this form of help wouldn’t be possible either and 3) Go insane. I’ve done this for three weeks already. Daily driven myself to madness over something that I should be able to let go. She tried to tell me that there wasn’t anything lost; that the “we” wasn’t very good anyway, but she couldn’t tell me why. I accept the loss. I even accept at this point the finality. If she did a total 180 and asked me to take her back, at this point, I wouldn’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. It means my head is still spinning and I’m stuck insane. The best two ways for me to get through this cannot happen because they are dependant on her. The last is to simply let myself go through the insanity and see where I come out on the other side.

Wed:
Day before Thanksgiving went by quickly. Lots of work still to be done, my brain still wrapped around the wrong focus. Right now, I honestly want the pain. It’s really the same thing anyway. The answer to my question of why is the same, it tells me why “we” wasn’t worth the work, worth sticking it through the hard times. I want to be pushed back into reality and right now because I can’t keep going like this. My concentration is wrong, my focus is on the wrong things and getting no answer is frustrating. I was told today that my very existence is annoying and angering to Renell. I feel the same. I got some productive stuff done today. Took one make up exam for example, but I couldn’t concentrate on it. This is just……draining.

The Return...Short Version

This is now the third day back since the surgery. It has been tumultuous. I've got way too much to catch up on and I still can't focus my mind. Talked to Renell last night, far to long for either of our own good.

What it comes to is this: in my mind, I need to understand why the "us" wasn't worth the effort to stick it through the hard times. I understand and accept that it wasn't, isn't and never will be, but I would like to know why. She has decided that there is no easy answer and so refuses to address the question. That I should simply accept the lack of an easy answer doesn't help. We truly are different people, but different people who used to be able to stick it through the difficulties because we once thought the end result would be worth it. Why did that change? I don't know. But until I can figure that out, or until I can be painfully shocked back into reality, I'm just driving myself insane and my head is in all the wrong places.

Had a test yesterday that I walked out of and 30 seconds later remembered I made a stupid mistake. Have a test today that I'm dreading. Have lots of work to get done and clients that I haven't seen in nearly a month. Too much to do, not enough time and no concentration, that is, in short, my return.

The Need for Pain a.k.a. Shocking Myself Back Into Focus

I need to hurt right now. When I’ve previously gone through any hardship there were two remedies. Get lost in work, get lost in “us.” The “us” thing doesn’t work because this time, “us” is the cause and I’m pretty sure that I will end up getting lost in work; at least for some time. The problem is that I have a hard time functioning right now. As I noted before sometimes I forget to breathe. My thoughts linger on things they shouldn’t. Right now I need pain. I need clarity through pain and I’m not getting there. I hurt but it’s not enough to jolt me into focusing. I’m trying something new now that helps a little. Slowly count to ten. Let whatever pain is there do its work. Let the emotion flow and the heartbreak run its course for a slow ten count. It’s a temporary reprieve. There is a difference between the finality which I have come to accept and the pain I need to feel to be able to block the emotion. I need to go into shock so to speak. Just get hit with something hard enough to refocus my concentration. I don’t know how to do that. I just know I need to find it somewhere.

Tomorrow's Return

I've been cleared to return to my normal class/work routine tomorrow (monday), albeit carrying much less stuff than I normally would. Still not suppused to carry more than ten poounds. It's been a while since I've been gone. It'll be good to get back to the normal routine. Some distraction is necessary right now and It'll give me things to do rather than dwell on things I can't do anything about. Hopefully the return goes smooth.

The Strength To Weather Those Things I Cannot Change

I used to believe in not stressing about the things I have no control over. I still do on some level. Yet it is those things I cannot change which currently cause the most stress, grief and pain. Odd how those things work out. It is those things I could not change that have led me to this point in the first place. It is those things I chose not to change that have caused me the most hardship.

Somewhere along the way we learn balance in all things. I try to be a generally relaxed person. I'll make sure things that need to get done get done, I'll make sure bills that need to get paid get paid, but I want to relax. Today though, I find myself having to force myself to breathe, having to force back the lump in my throat, having to divert my attention from the sense of loss. It's amazing the way things work out. Yet in the last stage of grief is acceptance and hope for the future. This is not the end and hope still exists. It is my goal now to fertilize that hope and help it grow. So perhaps it's time for a new prayer. Lord give me the strength to weather the forces that I cannot change. Help me stand against the tides of life that I cannot control. Give me the power to accept that I have none and the sense to realize that this is okay. Of course, whether or not the prayer works is also something I have no control over. Hell, I don't really even believe in God in the sense of organized religion, so go figure.

Breathing

I'm having that same problem of breathing again. Get lost in thought and forget to breathe. It's a stupid thing. I know it is. I just get lost in the mental images, I can feel the lump rising in my throat again and I just forget to breathe. You'd think that by now I'd be over this. I think the sitting around all day for three weeks with nothing to do but think is making me crazy. Three more days. Then I'll get lost in work again. At least that's the hope. I can't keep feeling like this. It's just a wavering between pain and sadness and anger and it's not good. But, as with everything else, you take it a day at a time; or a hour; or minute if need be. time is supposed to pass and the passage of time is supposed to help, but I still get caught for a few seconds in my thoughts. Time stands still and I forget to breathe and a little bit of life slips away.....

Poetry II

Again no sense of verse or rhyme, just words on the screen.

Running

There is an easy way out
And a hard way through
You chose the former
And force me to toil

It’s hard to stay
Hard to make sense of it
Hard to make it work
It’s easy to run from the effort

You ignore the tough parts
Overlook the effort it takes
To push on through to the other side
It’s easy to run from the soul

You’re like the blues
You avoid the heart
You run from the feeling
It’s easy to run from the love

But it’s hard to stop and face
Those things you run from so tirelessly
It’s much easier to turn
And run to someone else

And in the end
That’s what it’s about
You run so hard
To take the easy way out

Seven Stages of Grief

There are supposed to be seven stages to grief. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen all seven but it’s odd because I keep slipping back into one or the other, and they don’t hit in order. I’ve reacted to each in different ways. Here are a few

Shock or Disbelief – The day she left, the day before my surgery, I got drunk to the point of passing out on vodka and rum. Woke up, threw up. Passed out. Repeated. I couldn’t even keep water down for the better part of the day
Denial – I think this stage came and went pretty quick and I only denied up until the point that she walked in the door to pack up her stuff on the day she left. Not sure how I reacted to this other than sadness. I do find myself here for a few seconds after I wake up. It makes coming back to full consciousness that much harder.
Bargaining – Strongly considered asking her to marry me. Seriously. That would have been a horrible thing to do, but I strongly considered it.
Guilt – Went through the typical questions of “what if I had just….” …been more attentive. …been more assertive. ….been more supportive. And of course questioned if I had pushed her away.
Anger – Got mad. Didn’t do anything about. Pretty much the norm for me when it comes to her.
Depression – Here and anger is where I spent most of my time. I can’t do what I want to do which is hit something. This is probably a good thing as by now I’d likely have broken hands. So in that sense the surgery is a good thing. It prevented me from more self destructive behavior.
Acceptance and Hope – I do find myself here sometimes, but it’s not as often as I’d like. Here I write, as I’m doing now to try and get down my thoughts, clear my head and make sense of it all. And that of course is the hard part. Making sense of it all and figuring where to go from now. I guess that for her it’s easier. It’s always easier to run away when you have someone else to run to.

Status Check

The eye is doing okay. The lens is still in place and getting clearer. It's not great, but it still works. I'm cleared to return to normal activity on monday and I have an appt. on Tues. morning to see how things are. Hopefully that goes well. I usually walk around just using the left eye, which makes for odd depth perception. When I use the left eye anywhere except inside my apt. (which I know well) I have to use the glasses. BUT, when I use the glasses, the right eye is actually worse than when I don't, so when I check my right eye daily to see if there's any noticable improvement, I don't use the glasses. It's odd because now when I have the glasses on there's one eye that's better and one that's worse, when I have the glasses off, I have one eye better and one eye worse. I'm not sure the significance there, but I presume there is some.

Sleep

I got about two hours of sleep last night before waking up from a dream and about 3 more hours this morning before waking again. At least I'm getting some sleep but I keep having the dreams and it's getting frustrating. The crazy part is for the couple of seconds after I get up I still have to clear my mind and I always have those couple of seconds of wondering if the past few weeks have been just a dream. Then the fog clears and it comes flooding back. I need sleep. The prayer thing's not working particularly well right now.

Insomnia

I'm back to not sleeping again. After yesterday, I still haven't been able to get rid of the twich in my left hand. It makes tying a little slower, but the real issue is the insomnia. I can't get sleep. When I do I start to dream and all I've been dreaming about lately is the most painful parts of the relationship with Renell. I dream about the times she admitting to cheating on me. I dream about the times I spent going nuts because she left me only to come back only to leave again. When I sleep I dream and when I dream I hurt and it wakes me up with a jolt that's so painful, it's almost physical. I haven't been able to sleep for more than a 15 minutes at a time. So far the only thing keeping my mind off of this when I'm awake are podcasts. I've listened to almost all of EarthCore in the past 24 hours. I've been trying to keep busy and distracted. It doesn't help as much as I had hoped. I need to get sleep. The worst part about it is that I know she's not losing any sleep. When Renell wants to not give a shit about someone or something she does a good job of that, and right now she doesn't give even half a shit about what we had or the pain it has caused.

Another Day Goes By.....

I don’t know why it hurts; I just know that it does. I can’t explain it other than to say that I cannot be near Renell without being with her. It’s a torrent of memory, emotion, past hope and love. It’s pain and that’s all it is. I know it’s not healthy, I know it doesn’t bring me closure, but still I subject myself to it.

I’m tired again. I spent part of the morning with Renell, picked up a couple of things at Wal-Mart; some stuff for the apartment and a couple of things for Ryen. I’ve always easily noticed certain verbal cues and symbols. We were looking at puzzles and she had mentioned that Ryen did a whole 100 piece puzzle by himself. Her words were “we brought home a Thomas puzzle and Arwyn started doing it with him…..” The point there being that she already considers Rick as home. I was never “home” I was the place she used to go to in order to get away from home. Whatever steps she’s made to overcome the years that we both failed in being together, I have yet to make.

My hand was twitching again, first time since surgery; it’s a sign of stress. I still can’t control the shaking in my left hand. It’ll subside soon hopefully. It makes typing kind of hard. I really can’t do this though. I could barely pull the acting while she was here. Only it wasn’t really acting then. I was content. I might not have been happy, but I was content. Now I just am.

I want her to understand the hurt. I think at one time she did, but Renell has always put the understanding and feeling together. For her to understand the pain she has caused me, she would need to have some feeling for me or at least fake caring for us. She has none of that now and that means she won’t understand the loss I feel. Not that she needs or want to and not that I should. It’s dwelling on the past instead of moving forward and I know it’s bad. But every time we talk, I get stuck in the past, in the same destructive loop. And it doesn’t go away. I just need it to go away.

Realization

It's hard to form what I want to say into words that make sense. I know what I feel and think but expressing all that is quite a challenge. I knew that day, the day she left that it was permanent this time. It was the first time she could face me and tell me in person that it was done, what she had decided and what she had done. First time. In all the times she's cheated on me or all the times it was supposed to have been over before, should have been over before, this was the first time that she could face in me in person and tell me its done. There's a certain finality to that. Even afterwards, trying to get my keys from her or when she needed me to write checks for Ryen's preschool tuition, she couldn't do either of those alone and in person. When she dropped my keys off, Rick was there with his daughter. When she needed the checks, Ryen was there.

We still can't have a conversation. I still can't get closure. It's draining. I wake up every day and for the first five seconds I want the past weeks to have been a dream. After a couple of seconds it wears off. That hurts for a few minutes, before I remind myself that in the long term it's better like this. You get the good memories to stick in times like these, not the bad. I know she doesn't care and at this point, I suppose that's what matters most.

Out, About and Down

I've been cooped up too long in my apt. spent a little time today at the debate festival being held across the street at Punahou. I only judged the first round. It was good to get out just to not be at home. Home right now is just kind of depressing. When I'm here it seems empty and quiet. Plus there are a lot of memories here. There are obviously some bad, but oddly you don't focus on those when you consider loss, you focus on the good ones. It's enough to drive a person nuts.

Spent too much time thinking again today. I'm starting to get back into the groove of work, but it's mostly just distraction from thinking rather than actual work. I guess for now it's just trying to put some time between myself and being left. I don't now if time will heal, but it will hopefully dull the pain and disappointment.

It's odd what you find painful or what things can trigger memories and emotions. Totally random things can trigger the deepest of feelings over a seemingly small connection to what is gone. That's just one of the hard parts I suppose, not knowing what will trigger what type of reaction. That makes it harder to move on I suppose, but I'm starting to be a bit more callused to the whole thing. It sort of comes and goes. It's hard not knowing what will set off a reaction of loss or wave of emotion.

Dreams and Getting Pasty

I fell asleep listening to the audio book of Free Culture this morning and had a strange, disturbing, very painful dream about Renell. Strange in the sense that I knew I was dreaming and kept going in it until I got to the disturbing and painful part at which point I promptly cut myself from the dream and woke up. Painful in the sense that it tells me I still have feelings. This needs to end. I need this to end. I need the closure there. It's like I'm damned if I do have her and damned if I don't. The dream ended after I 'caught her in the act' and the last line of the dream was her saying "I love you...but he fit me." Yes there's a double entendre there, yes I recognized it in the dream, yes it hurt for both meanings.

In the mean time, sitting around indoors all day, I'm getting pretty damn white. I need to get out more but there isn't really any place I can go or anything I can do so I'm not sure what options I have. At least not for the next week and a half. Time is such a fucker.

update: This afternoon fell asleep after listening to Morning Coffee Notes, had another odd dream. This time standing on a bus that I didn't need to get onto in the first place. I make a comment about UH sucking, the whole bus goes quiet, everyone gets angry at me. It was a clear message about feeling loney. Normally I would put about as much stock in Dream Interpretation as I would in Mexican Real Estate but this was pretty clear. Now I can't even dream. Shit this is just getting better and better.

Status Check

My eye was itchy today. Every time I blink or close my eye, it feels, for lack of a better word, sticky. Not like there's sap or something on my eye, just that it sticks. It doesn't hurt but it's certainly uncomfortable.

But I can still putter around at home to do things and I can still get some work done on the computer, so I'm not totally out of the game. I've been racking up points on Experts-Exchange pretty well this month. On that, here's something odd. I did a job a few weeks ago, about two weeks before my surgery. The guy who's computer I fixed gave me a gift card to a steak house, a place I don't go to that often, so a very nice gift and $50 so enough for a dinner for two, maybe three people. My intention was that once I earned enough points to get a certificate on Experts-Exchange that I would take Renell and Ryen to dinner. I eanred enough points less than a week after she left me. Everything is too little too late.

It's hard to think that the past six years haven't just been a waste of my life. I am weaker for it. I am poorer for it. I am not emotionally stronger, mentally stronger, physically stronger for it. I've gotten a lot done, but nothing I couldn't have done quicker, and better without Renell. The only thing that I have gotten out of it is pain and disappointment. This doesn't make me stronger, it makes me damaged. That's all the past years have been damage.

Progress

I'm better today than I was yesterday and I suppose that's what progress is called. I was reading a bunch of old letter than Renell had written to me. Some from long ago, some from her pregnancy, some from after Ryen was born. It really brings back a heap of emotion. It still hurts.

But I also got a lot of other stuff done today that was productive. I think that's how I'm going to get beyond this. In part by distracting myself, but in large part by simply moving on with the rest of my life. I've needed to do that, I need to do it now.

The List of Things That Suck

I had lunch today with Ryen and Renell. Mostly she just needed me to write a bunch of checks for her. There’s a difference between acceptance and closure. The difference I suppose in this case is about effort. Our relationship was always about effort. I’m not yet sure if I’ve decided whether it was too much effort or not enough. I’ve come, over the past week, to accept the finality of her decision. I got so used to the indecision that a move like this was devastating. I’ve been told, and keeping having to tell myself that in the long run it’s for the best and in the short run, someone else has to deal with her issues which is better for me. Okay, slowing down now. I have a jumble of points to make here and I don’t want to mix them up. I suppose I should expound on each. Here’s the list so far

I accept that she’s left and that any chance we had is LONG gone. I realized a long time ago that we just weren’t right. WE as a team weren’t right. She wasn’t happy and I wasn’t happy. We both had these images of each other. Neither fit the other’s image. It was just bad. Still we kept trying; I in my ways, and she in hers. Maybe it’s just because I didn’t know how else to handle it. More likely I was just dwelling on the past. I realistically couldn’t forgive her for cheating on me; especially not as many times as she did. I have forgiven her, but you don’t forget a betrayal like that and it doesn’t leave you much in the way of options for a permanent future. This isn’t a “sorry I spilled sauce on your favorite shirt and pants” this is an “I betrayed your deepest trust and the unique connection we shared.” I had forgiven her, I had tried to let her earn redemption and I had, I have been put through the pain again and again. They say that if you give a person enough rope they will hand themselves. I gave her the choice, the opportunity and the prompting to choose me and she rarely, if ever did. I gave her the rope, yet I feel hanged.

I will still need reminding that there is nothing there. As much as it made both of us unhappy to be together, it’s hard to get over the image of what I wanted…and still a part of me wants. We had some very good moments. There is a large part of me that wants to have more good memories. I realize that our chance came and went long ago. But I need to be helped, and need to be reminded that we don’t work. The issue with Renell is that we used to click very easily. Without trying we could strike up a conversation and build a connection. It’s hard to let go of that, even though I know the reality is that our chances were doomed long ago. Sometimes I will need to be reminded of that reality. It’s an ongoing process. That’s the push from acceptance to closure.

I will still need help to get closure. It’s a process that, like our relationship, requires both of us to communicate. We started when WE ended and will take help; from family, friends and from Renell. It will take effort, it will take respect. I don’t know if there is any left between the two of us, but I need help to get closure. I don’t watch much TV but I’ve followed enough of Friends to track some of the Ross/Rachel history via reruns. That’s what I feel like and honestly, shit’s not that funny. It was a sitcom so yeah, good one liners, but the reality of that kind of ongoing mess just isn’t funny. It’s painful. Now it’s ended, but my show doesn’t get cancelled. My season doesn’t end and I don’t have a team of writers determining my future plot lines. I have to do that shit myself and I need help.

WE were never a priority, I was always a convenience. It goes to the images we each had of the other. I wasn’t what Renell wanted. I had this image of a vibrant, uplifting energy in my life. I had this image of a person who knew what she wanted and could stand on her own to get it. I had tried to help her through what I thought was a slump. I though that same vibrant, incredible person was still in there and just needed a little help to stand on her own. My image of her was not reality and it was the image I had of Renell, not the reality that I wanted. I don’t know what image she had of me. I know she had one and that it wasn’t who I am. In the end, WE were never a priority for her. It was about the convenience of my being there in terms of what I could do for her. That doesn’t make for a relationship. It makes for a fractured reality.

I suppose that should make me question even more what it is that I’m sad about. If I realize how bad it was why be sad? I guess because we did have our great moments and I knew…know what we could have been. That I suppose is the catch. She asked me today what the catch was in her new relationship with Rick. The catch doesn’t have to be on her end. She’s suspicious that there is a catch and doesn’t want to fall for it. I don’t think the catch is on her end. I think the catch was that we could have been a good pair and just never got it to work. I could never depend on her and she feels the same. It’s odd that we both feel like it’s been a waste of five years. The difference I think is that she considers the waste to be from the time she was pregnant. I think the waste started before that. It should have just ended when I first learned she was cheating on me. It should have just been done. Fractured reality I suppose. We both had this image of what could be and the images just didn’t mesh. It was a waste of five years; it was a waste of effort, a waste of tears and on the day before my surgery a waste of alcohol.

The uncomfortable history with her parents has, I think, strained that some. From what she said, they encourage her relationship with Rick. They never did accept me. I’m not going to fault them for it entirely because I’m sure I didn’t handle things with Renell as well as I should have either. But having never been accepted by her family and her so strongly dependent on them, I should have known not to try. We both see it now as a waste of effort on both of our parts to try and forge something when her family doesn’t accept me. They accept Rick. That hurts some. They never gave me a chance, she never gave us much of a chance and she’s willing to do so now…for someone else. But, she has a chance now to be happy and I hope she ends up happy. Is that the acceptance that I need to find? For her to be happy, even if it’s with someone else? Who the fuck knows, but it’s still painful and I need to close it down.

Status Check

Had an eye appt. this morning. It's looking well. I will be able to return to normalcy in another two weeks. So I will be back in my classes on the 21'st and I have to go back to see him the morning of the 22'nd.

The implant lens is in place and looks secure. My eye pressure was a little high and now I have two eye drops to take. TobraDex four times daily as an antibiotic and Alphagan(P) twice daily for pressure. The long road to recovery is such a fucker.

I'm better now in thinking about Renell. It still upsets me, but not as much and for not nearly as long. I've got an idea of what I want to do and now have to make some choices. the long road to healing is such a fucker.

I know and recognize the stages of what I'm going through. I'd be even worse off if I didn't. It's odd to take that step back from myself and realize what I'm going through and analyze it. I shouldn't be able to do that. I should just have to deal with it; cope like other people do. The long road to sanity is such a fucker.

But in general, the eyes are better, I'm getting better. There are still points to work out but you just keep swimming right? I just don't get why it has to hurt. Pain, it has been explained to me, shows caring and compassion. I don't want that right now. Right now I want to be cold, I want to be stoic and just not let it bother me but it does, and it will continue to do so. The long road of life is such a fucker.

Love, Hope and Desperation

It’s amazing how you can care for someone who frustrates you constantly. Maybe I ask too much. I believe so, but then, it’s not about what I believe, it’s about what others believe. Renell has collected a large sum of debt on a credit card that I had in both of our names. To be sure this was a stupid move on my part, to add her name to one of my credit cards, especially one with a limit over $200. Considerably over $200. Anyway, I don’t make any charges on the account, I don’t even use it, but I do receive the statements and remind her to make payments regularly. After the whole fiasco with her having my keys for nearly a week, Renell was supposed to drop by and give me money so I could make a payment on the account. I reminded her before she packed her stuff and left, I reminded her after she packed her stuff and left. She said she was coming tonight and nada.

I shouldn’t be surprised. We used to joke that she makes a better friend than she does girlfriend. It’s absolutely true. She just makes a shitty friend too. I again feel used. I guess what little faith I have in Renell to accomplish the tasks she says she’s going to do should be totally evaporated by now, but it isn’t. I think it’s more a matter of priority. I never was a priority to her. WE were never a priority for her. In that situation I should expect disappointment. Maybe the issue then is that I have too much faith in people.

I suppose in the end I just got desperate. I’ve known for a long time that this was a bad deal. I wasn’t happy. I was content. Renell wasn’t happy either. I can’t say if she was content or not. Either way I hope she is happy now. It’s desperation that makes me cling to the past, to the failure, to the hope. I need to learn to let go easier. There are so many areas in which I see the same traits and so many areas in which I abhor those traits. I’ll keep the same shirt for years, even if it has a hole. Not out of desperation but out of not letting go. Yet I’ll drop a software product immediately if it doesn’t do what I want. I’ll cling to an idea and no amount of contrary evidence or debate will sway me (for example from saying that Creationism should not be taught in schools as science even if Kansas says so). I need to learn to let things go. So, new plea today. I still need rest, so the previous one stands. The new one is this: Lord help me learn to accept loss, help me learn to know when it’s appropriate to let go and have the strength it takes to release my iron grip on something. That’s it. As I said before, I’m not a particularly religious person, but I consider myself spiritual, so if there’s a spirit out there willing to help, why not give it a shot. I have nothing else to do for two weeks anyway.

Status Check

Better today than yesterday is progress I suppose. On the emotional side at least, if not the eyes. As for the eyes, they should get better over the weeks, but I'll be using the same antibiotic eyedrops for months to come. At least this one doesn't sting. Slowly getting Renell out of my head is hard but progressing. Getting Ryen out of my head is a little more difficult. Espeically now that she wants to sign over custody to her parents. She'll get to see him whenever she wants and when it's convenient for her, but I'd be out of the picture if they could have their way. Small steps I suppose. I have to get the eyes better first or I'm back at square one and flat on my ass for even more time. I'm tired. My mind is tired, my body is tired and my soul is heavy. I need to rest.

Time Travel and Dwelling

I was asked recently what super power I would choose if I could have a super power. Flying, super strength, the basics. I choose the ability to travel back in time. I used to be a fan of the show Early Edition where the plot of the show is that this guy in Chicago gets tomorrows newspaper and goes around stopping all the bad things that happen today. The being able to see the future thing was an option too, but I chose the ability to travel through time. It’s the craziest thing too. All it says is that I have a hard time letting go of past mistakes. I’m sure some of that is just being stubborn, and a lot of it is just being stupid too.

Selecting the ability to travel through time as my super power is symptomatic of, shit I don’t know, I’d like to say trying beyond all hope, but I fear it’s just a symptom of stupidity. I want badly to go back and fix things that I know I did wrong. It’s like I can’t help but dwell in the past and just struggle to move on.

Status Check

I spent today keeping busy and I think that's why I was doing better today. I've slept more in the past few days than I normally would in a week. My fear is that as I lie down to sleep tonight, thoughts will once again creep into my brain and keep me from getting rest.

I am NOT a religious person. Lately though I've found myself saying this:
Lord help me rest. My body is tired, my mind is tired and my sould is heavy. Please help me rest.

Things will get better slowly but that doesn't make it easier in the now.

Letter to Renell 6 Nov 2005

I haven't sent this yet, but will soon.

I am sorry if I have caused you pain. It was not my intent or in any way my desire. I am sorry if I caused you to run away. I am sorry for loving you as it has caused us both difficulties.

What bothers me is being left and the manner in which it was done. You knew I had surgery and had no qualms about leaving me without any help of the kind that I have offer you many times over. In my time of need you deserted me, and that hurts a great deal. I couldn’t even count on you to return the keys that you took from me. All this tells me is that you are willing to kick me when I’m down. I tried and I guess it wasn’t enough for you. I gave everything I had to give and received in return only sadness and pain. I asked you for closure and you can’t even respond to me. All this tells me is that you are selfish and unwilling to help me move on. You have already left, what more do you gain by making me suffer longer? Do you have that much hate for me that you need to keep me spinning? I’ll get there on my own without your help, it’s just a longer process.

We still have things to resolve. I have some of the things you have forgotten when you cleared out of my apartment. We still have much of the issues of child support and visitation to agree to. Before any of that though, I would finally like to get done the paternity test that was promised to me nearly five years ago. I don’t think it’s fair to Ryen to turn him over to your parents. Ryen needs his mom and dad. He needs to know that mom and dad love him. Mom and dad don’t have to love each other. At this point I can only assume that they don’t. But he shouldn’t know mom as the person who comes when it’s convenient for her and he shouldn’t know dad as the person who comes for a day and leaves in the afternoon. He deserves more.

I sincerely wish you would at least talk to me, and I don’t know why you find it so difficult. You left me, a number of times in fact. I was always pining over you. What does it hurt you to help resolve the end of us and Ryen’s future? It saddens me that you can’t even respond.

Reid

Conversation and Breathing

Had a talk this morning (relatively since it's like 4AM) with a good friend, that I think calmed me down some and helped in a moment of weakness. There was once thing that I found worthy of poining out. Sometimes I forget to breathe. I get so wrapped up in thinking about all the shit, all the pain, that I sit there and think and until the last second, I forget to breathe. Then I take a deep breath, and slowly exhale and let a few seconds peace come over me. Of course then it's the same. I fall back into thinking about losing Ryen and Renell and I forget to breathe.

Today's Progress

I have made some progress today, not much. Honestly I just feel like lying in bed and sleeping until my eye is done healing and I can move on. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like going anywhere, There has been no response from Renell on anything and that makes it difficult to find closure of the sort I need. She intends to sign Ryen over to her parents and that makes it difficult to find peace of mind. I’m still spinning, but a little slower than yesterday.

What I Want to Send to Derrick...but won't

I have his email address, from renell and the cell phone number she called using my phone. Honesly if I wanted to find him and tell him this, it wouldn't be too hard. I could probably do it in a couple of minutes. I just don't see the point or how it would be productive. But if I did decide to say something, here is probably how it would go:

I expect this to go ignored and ill received, but I want to say it anyway. From the first time that Renell cheated on me, and those first feelings of pain, I knew I didn’t want to be “the other man.” Rest assured that I have no intention to try to be now. Whatever, little glimmer of hope I had with Renell left long ago and was replaced by coal. But I would have hoped, that you know too what this feels like. I would have hoped that when you wife left you would have recognized the pain that this causes and also seen it worthy of you not to be the other man. Now you are. This isn’t a finger-wagging, I-Hope-Your-Happy kind of rebuff. I want you to know that you have split, not just Renell and I, something which if I think honestly, has been a long time coming, but split now Renell and Ryen and split me and Ryen. She’ll see him when its convenient for her and I’ll see him when it’s convenient for her family.

Just as your wife left you, remember your feelings about the other man and know that I feel them now for you. If you never cared much whether you became the other guy I suppose it doesn’t matter, but if you ever did, then I just want you to understand that is what you have now become.

Status Check

I know the history and no one else needs care but here's where I'm at now
Renell wants to, I think but have not been able to get her to confirm, move in with Derrick and his daughter. She wants to sign over Ryen to her parents so that she can do what she wants to do and be who she wants to be and follow her selfish desires. What this likely entails is trying to allow her parents to adopt Ryen.

Now where do I fit into this picture? When she first got pregnant she was cheating on me. We never did get a paternity test to prove that Ryen was mine. We operated and I still believe that Ryen is mine. But she can’t sign over Ryen to her parents alone. I have to as well. There has been a strong effort to get me to bond with Ryen, now she wants to subvert it. I will fight for legal custody in court if the paternity test comes back positive.

I think I can sleep at night now. It will still be hard. It will still suck. But I think over time things will be easier for me.

In terms of the eyes, they’re getting better. The original surgery to relocated the implant lens in my right eye went okay. Afterwards I had a sore throat and lack of appetite but little else wrong. As noted earlier my back is hurint from being in the a not-quite-lying-down position for so long. But the eye is swelling less, and getting better. Hopefully it will be good enough to get me out and about by the 12’th

Poetry 1

I'm big on writing. I don't usually write poetry. Something in me lately has been wanting to get out a bunch of the emotion. It's not a good poem, it follows no sense of verse, but I've got one done.

My Love

My love for you is unconditional
It has stayed when you left me
It has sustained in the nights you weren’t there
It was strong when you cheated
It is weak now

My love for you was boundless
I could stomach all the pain
I tried everything I know to make you see my love for you
I as a giver and you took my love
I have lost it.

To not be met halfway
A third of the way
A quarter of the way
You ran from me and my love
And I grew tired of chasing.

Now cold winds blow and home seems empty
My heart hangs low and my soul is lonely
My love is worn and tattered
You have made it dim and weary
But deep inside, a spark remains
My love still has hope

My love for you is over
It has washed away as sand by the ocean
But my love still thrives, if not for you
For the future, for the past, for myself, for my son
You can end my love for you but
My love shines on

The Meeting and The Next Stage

As of last i was supposed to have met with Renell to discuss things. It didn't go as either of us had planned. She's been avoiding returning my keys for days now. This was supposed to be me getting the keys and talking through things. Then I hear that 1) Rick and his daughter are going to come along for whatever reason she can't talk with me alone and 2) she's going to sign over custody of Ryen to her parents so they can adopt him.

This was supposed to have been about putting Ryen first. I understand that I no longer have Renell. I think I've come to terms with that, or am coming to terms with that slowly. To lose Ryen now as well would be too much. This I'm going to fight.

My Breakdown

I know what I should do and I fear what I would do. What I should do is demand a paternity test for our son, since she was cheating on me around the time she got pregnant, and then do everything else through lawyers. What I deeply want to do is ask her to come back to me. To ask her to forget everything and start over, and I know that's stupid. What I really need is closure and it's so hard to get at this point, it's just so hard to get that closure that i don't know what to do and I feel like I'm spinning.

She was supposed to come drop off my keys today, well for the past few days, but never did. Now she says we can talk. I don't know what to day, what to talk about. what to feel or think or do. I'm just upside down.

The Eyes

My vision is a little better today. The odd part is that because I can't sit flat, I have to have a pillow behind my back when I lie down, which is most of the time. Consequently, my back is almostly constantly hurting now. Not unbearable pain, but such that it's getting to me. And I still have at least a week of this to go.

I tried looking through my right eye today, the side that had the surgery. I can see better than I could before. Not sure if I posted this part already but last year I had a cataract removed. When they removed the cataract they put in an implant lens. To secure the lens in place, they use what remains of the capsule that contains the natural lens that had the cataract. In my case, the implant lens moved and so the surgery was to reposition it and put in place a suture to keep it there. I should see improvement week by week but i'll be using the same antibiotic eye drops for months. Oh well, someone has to keep the pharamceutical companies in business.

Next Steps

I think I'm a little better now. I know what my next steps are going to be. I know in my head and in my heart what is right and what to do. I think I'm going ot start be getting a good night's sleep. Yet I suspect she's going to throw a curveball in here somewhere

Letter to Renell 3 Nov 2005

This, I think, I hope, is going to be a mixed letter,
but one that will provide closure for me. It’s hard
because I can’t get closure without hearing it from
you and I haven’t heard from you. It’s a stupid move
on my part because I know that reaching out to you is
not a smart thing to do. I know that it only sets me
up for pain and more abuse.

There will always be a part of me that loves you. For
no reason, There will always be a part of me that
hates you. With much reason. That conflict has waged
for 5 years already. It has torn at me since the first
time I knew you didn’t care about me. I’ve tried to
overcome it and I’ve failed. Granted, it’s a two way
street. I couldn’t have failed without your help and
ultimately the failure falls on both of us, but for
now, at this moment in time. I failed. I failed to
make you love me, to show you that I loved you. Since
the first infidelity I should have simply walked away.
It’s like pulling off a band-aid I suppose, and this
one has been waiting five years to come off. Part of
me still feels like its clinging on but I know better.
You’ve known better for a long time. It almost makes
me feel as though I was just being strung along. I
don’t know if that was your intent, it just feels like
it.

But I need your help now. I need your help to get
closure. At some point long ago, you accepted that we
can’t work together. I think I’ve gotten to that point
now. As long as you and Ryen were with me, problems
and all, despite all the arguments I had held out
hope. Because you wanted to be there. But now I
understand that you didn’t. Holding Rick’s keys in
from of me saying “I don’t want to move in with him”
was a lie to me. You did, or you wouldn’t have said
so. What you should have said was “I don’t want you.”
And you should have told me this long ago. Maybe you
did and I just didn’t hear it, but I’m willing to hear
it now. And that’s what I need from you. I need
closure. There will be a relationship between me and
Ryen, and we are tied by that, but there is not, and
there cannot be anything between us. We can’t remain
friends, it hurts far too much to know that at nearly
every turn you chose not me. Anything but me. That
pain will never go away and because of it, I need
closure from you. I need to know from you that we
can’t salvage a friendship, we can’t salvage a trust
over anything, except that we are tied together by
Ryen. If I pass you on the street, I need to know you
look on me as a stranger, If I pass you in a store, I
need to be able to look on you as nobody. I can’t
continue in the way that I have for six years. But I
can’t get that closure without your help. That’s what
I’m asking for now, so please, help me end this.

Letter to Renell 1 Nov 2005

I don’t know where you going to stay, I presume at
this point you intend to move in with Rick for the
sake of Ryen’s school, but when you do finally make a
decision please let me know so that if I need to I can
contact you.

Today was….a bad day for me. That’s about it. I should
have come to accept much earlier that this wasn’t
healthy for either of us. Denial is a painful thing.
Regardless, what’s done is done and I’m finally
prepared to move on. We do however still have some
things to work out.

If you are going to be living in town, I would still
like to see Ryen regularly, even if it’s just after
school or for dinner. I don’t think such a setup is
unmanageable. We also need to figure out some of the
logistics behind the money issues. You still need to
pay $70 for the minimum payment on the credit card by
the 7’th. We still need to decide what you want to do
about child support payments, Ryen’s school tuition,
etc. These may seem trivial to you, but they aren’t to
me. You’ve indicated that you want this to affect
Ryen as little as possible; I think that at this point
that’s difficult to accomplish. Where we stand and how
Ryen is impacted are important considerations and
putting off resolving them isn’t good for either of us
or for him.

For the next few weeks I’ll have very little to do. If
you’re not job hunting, it would be a good time to get
some of these issues settled. You’ll have my full
attention during recover. I’m disappointed that it had
to come to this sort of all-or-nothing scenario but as
I said in the letter to you that was on the door, I
should have expected it. I would ask though that we
have a conversation in person as I need to try and
reduce the amount of time I sit in front of the
monitor during recovery.

I guess I just didn’t realize how much of a lost cause
even a congenial relationship with you was. I will
probably always be disappointed both in myself and in
you but, as you have already done, I will take this as
an opportunity to move forward. Where that will lead
is anybody’s guess, but again, like you, I’ve finally
come to terms with it and won’t look back anymore.

Dosvedonya,
Reid

The Surgery

The timeline of things is weird. I knew I had surgery coming this week. It wasn’t a total last minute deal. I had surgery Wed. morning. Had to be at the hospital at 6 AM for registration and it was an outpatient surgery so it went by quickly. I was home by lunchtime and things were as good as can be expected. From a medical standpoint the surgery went well. The thing was that my mind wasn’t really on the surgery itself but on losing Renell and my son. I hadn’t slept a full night since the Thursday before and she left the day before I went into surgery. I spend that day in a very bad place. But the day of the surgery I had nothing to do but sit around at home and think and meditate on the total sum of things. But honestly, when it came to thinking I spent the vast majority of my time thinking about her, thinking about us and about loss. And even thought I know that dwelling on that shit does nothing good, I still did it. I’m still doing it now.

The surgery, because I have been asked, was necessary becuase a year ago in early 2004, I had a cataract removed from my right eye. In place of the cataract and damaged lens they removed, they put in an implant lens, sort of like a contact lens, but inside the capsule left in the eye. That lens in my case has fallen out of the capsule and is thus out of place. While it's not as bad as the retinal detachments I've had in the past, it was still something to get fixed as quickly as possible.

The Craziness

The crazy thing is that part of me wants her back. Like I don’t want to give up. Logically I know that her leaving was the best thing for both of up. She found someone to make her happy and I wasn’t happy with what we had become. She’s cheated on me before. This time wasn’t quite like that. I told her, even if I didn’t wholeheartedly mean it, I did say, that it was okay for her to date other people. But having her leave like that. Just run away because of the stupid little arguments was just painful. It sounds crazy because we have a history of not being good for each other. She has a history of cheating on me and I have a history of taking her back. In my head I know that this the best thing for both of us. But my heart still hurts and my soul feels heavy.

What this is and isn't going to be

If you're reading this, I don't know why. The only reason it exists is to give me a place to vent. Lately i've found that writing is the best way to get it out. There is nothing here that concerns you and I don't know why you would read this in the first place. But if you are, Here's the backstory:

For six years I have been on and off with the same person, the only person who I have been with, by choice. She recently left me, again, and for what I feel is the final time. the issue is that we have a son together, Ryen who's a great kid, four years old and very smart

She left me on 1 Nov. the day before I had eye surgery. I got the patch off my eye today (2 Nov.) and I'm in the mix of recovering from both surgery and (for lack of a better term) relationship shit. The purpose of this blog is that I now have two weeks, perhaps longer to do nothing all day but sit, think and question the future. this blog only exists to help me get my thoughts in a coherent form.