Rest

God please help me rest. I'm tired. My body is tired, my mind is tired, my soul is tired. I need to rest.

late night again

I don't really know what's making me write this now except that for the first time in a very long time, I feel very much alone.

The night before I had the surgery that started this blog, I was passed out drunk on my bathroom floor for pretty much the entire day. If I had to imagine a time that I cam the closest to actual alcohol poisoning, that would be it. Of that day and night I can remember being concious for only brief intervals. And the fucked up thing is that I don't even know why I care to remember that. It was a horrible ending to what I can only describe as a horrible relationship and the begining of a time when I started to get most of my shit back together. Most of it.

And yet overall my situation hasn't changed much. My bank account is a little more stable, but my clothes are a little bit tighter. My work ethic, if you can call it ethic, is probably better now than at any time except the last two years of high school when I had to make up time for being out for basically a quater of the year due to retinal detachment. And yet, I'm here on a sweltering summer night, in bed alone; or more accurately, sitting in front of the computer at 1:30 having just watched four episodes of Entourage because my brain doesn't want to shut off yet.

Maybe it's the noise of the laptop fan whirring in the background, or the noise in my own stupid head that leads me to conclusions that don't make any practical improvement on my life. I have never to this point been this professionally accomplished and personally empty.

Motivate perhas to quit and find something else to do with my life. Leave the engineering stuff and go build houses for Habitat for Humanity or some shit. Of course it's hard to justify a nice steak and glass of Glen Morangie if I don't have the steady income. And maybe that's part of the issue too. Maybe I'm just to captured in my comfort again. Maybe I've slipped back into that zone that makes me comfortable in the mediocrity. Of course when that happens I'm so entrenched in my rut that I don't ever take any action to pull myself out. It takes some catastrophic event to push me beyond that. And maybe that's what I'm waiting for now. Or pushing for, even subconciously; some giant meteor to hurtle out of the sky and land on my roof and force me to rebuid my life.

Tomorrow I'm at a seminar all day on "how to deal with difficult people." Go figure. And next week I'll be on Maui for a couple of days to do another install. Lots of travel lately. I wonder how many miles I've racked up recent. Maui, Kona, Hilo, Kona again, Maui next week and probably again next month, etc. Interesting but less amusing than I would have liked. Perhaps I'm just waiting for an airplane to take me somewhere that I won't let myself go.

Alright, so that's gotta be the end now. When I start getting into really weird esoteric rambling, I know I'm just fucked.

Two days of crazy

The past two days of work have been hectic. troubleshooting one customers bouncing around the office for a bunch of different tasks. i wear too many hats. and now I'm awake at 3:30 AM for no valid reason, doing nothing really productive.

I'm too stressed.

though i did get to meet some nice people today.

Busy Busy Busy

Work's been frustrating lately. Two installs off island in two weeks. The last one we were at site until 9 PM. I got so tired by the end of the night that when we got back to the hotel I accidentally washed my hair with the lotion on the counter and didn't even know it.

Another off island coming up at the end of the month, plus training sessions. I keep hearing that change is coming. wait and see, wait and see, but I don't see any change for the better. I feel like we're slipping backwards on these.

That's part of why I haven't written in so long I suppose. I guess I enjoy the catharsis of writing. When things are going okay, I don't feel the need, when they're getting really bad I don't have the time or energy when today, I'm just frustrated and kinda pissed off.