Some people drunk dial...

Today was a good day. It ended poorly. Insomnia and bitterness. While I should let the world flow around me, let the past be the past, I don't. Of the many flaws I have, holding a grudge is certainly one of them.

For whatever reason I'm still angry. I'd like to say I've moved beyond it, in many cases I have, yet I consistently find myself angry again. What sparked this was watching the news. The trial on the guy who shot Dan, one of the people who Renell cheated on me with was on the news tonight. I don't care so much as it drums up old bitterness. I enjoy the fact that she's having whatever complications she's having with the current pregnancy. Not so much relish in it. I just like thinking there's some sense of karma or universal justice for past wrongs. Certainly I've gotten smacked around for my fuckups in the past. Maybe it's just a strong sense of vindictiveness. Maybe it's just my own poor mental state. Whever. I like know people I dislike are going through shit. And yes, it's wrong but at this point, fuck like I care. I'm not even going to try to rationalize here. I don't give a shit if I'm wrong about it.

But overall today was a good day and that's what counts. I got a lot done. I still have a lot to do. Forward right, not backwards. The world twists in different ways. And much as I might like to believe stories with nice endings, life doesn't always bring them. I was talking with Maka a while back and came to the decision that life is pretty much any Mandy Moore move, 20 minutes before teh ending right as things have all gone to shit. Then again, who knows, maybe it's just a little longer than 20 minutes before things work out. At least you need to maintain that hope to move forward instead of dwell backwards.

Vengence

Vengence is mine sayeth the Reid. And lo, it's badass when it happens.

Vacation

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. Hell it’s been a while since I’ve done much of anything outside the normal realm of work and weekends. In fact it’s been over a year since I’ve taken a vacation. And the last vacation, while there was awesome steak involved, had far less alcohol than is required to be a real vacation. So I’ve decided a few things

1) I need a vacation. I need to go to Kauai, or Lanai, or Bali or fuck even Sydney and just sit on a beach for a week and drink Red Stripe. No, not Sydney. I like Aussies but Sydney is expensive and it’s a long plane ride to hang out with a bunch of people who wouldn’t sleep with me in the first place but would have their uncles kick my ass up and down the reef. So no, maybe just a neighbor island. But I was thinking about it. The last time I took a vacation was over a year ago and the next two days I’m schedule to take off are for a Microsoft conference and a security conference respectively. This is not relaxation time. It’s fun, it’s entertaining. I’ll probably get free shit like coffee mugs and maybe even some software out of it, but this is not vacation time unless someone buys me some beers as the security conference. So I need to go to a hotel somewhere next to a beach where I can get Internet access but where my cell phone won't work. Anybody want to join?
2) In the past few months, one of the things I consciously miss is falling asleep next to someone. My ex, my son’s mom, she snores like a fucking freight train. As a kid in high school I could stay awake for a week or I could fall asleep standing up. Even now. I can sit in my lab with equipment going and switches starting up that sound like jet engines and I can still fall asleep but the ex, holy shit she could snore. I would actually get up and go sleep on the couch just to get some rest. But after her, one of the things I grew to subconsciously appreciate and consciously miss now is falling asleep with someone. Not so much the getting up. ‘Cause everyone has morning breath, everyone looks like shit when they get up and nobody really gets up when they want to so they’re kinda pissy about it. Nor so much the falling asleep on my arm and making it go numb either because that’s just annoying but I miss the falling asleep part
3) Come to think of it, maybe I just miss the sleep part. Haven’t been sleeping much lately. I have been reading some but the last two books I read were Cisco Router Configuration 2’nd edition and Strengths Finder. Interesting reading to be sure but not exactly fun or creative. There is nothing creative about setting up OSPF routes. You cannot find fun and exciting ways of setting up MLPS QoS tags. I did order two books from Amazon that I started but didn’t finish. Got about 16 pages into each before I got distracted. I used to write stuff like comedy monologues (still do occasionally) or other random bits and not so much now. I need to find that creativity again. The last two things that I’ve gotten published have been articles about VoIP security. And while it’s interesting to see what my friend Bob has been up to as far as screwing with people’s calls, it’s not exactly the most entertaining or creative thing to write.
4) I’m burning out at work. My running gag now is that I’m thinking about quitting but hell, I’ve been thinking about quitting for a year now. Maybe I just need a vacation. A while back I gave a copy of Visual Studio to the company but they needed a note or something to the effect that I was giving the license to the company so that if I left they could continue to use it legally and so that I wouldn’t install it illegally on my machines. So my note was basically “I give this software to the company. You can keep it when I quit.” And it’s not that I’m unhappy with my job. Some of it is actually fun. I just need a break.
5) There was a fifth point I was going to make but honestly I went to post this on MySpace and just as I was about to hit the submit button I hit the back button and lost the whole fucking post so this is me retyping it fragmented from memory and I know I’m leaving stuff out. Generally more insulting things about Renell and how when you’re life skills consist of whining and acting like a lump when you’re fucking you’re either going to be a porn star or politician; except that politicians need connections and porn stars shouldn’t weigh more than the Denver Bronco’s defensive line. So yeah I don’t remember what the fifth thing was and I’m too tired to think about it anyway. I’m posting this as is know that in the end what I really conclude is that I feel old.